


Some Day I'll Be Happy Again.

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Enjolras is an asshole and it hurts to write, M/M, Multi, Sad, this hurts and i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-05 23:05:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you even like me Enjolras?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Draining the glass Grantaire looked at his watch, it was almost half one and he wanted to go home. Actually he wanted to find Enjolras and fall asleep in his warmth but seeing as that would never happen he would be content to think about him in the darkness of his room before falling asleep on his own. Again.

He rubbed his face and stood up; dropping some notes on the table he made his way out of the bar into the street. He breathed in the cold air and made his way home.

 

He knew what was happening, deep down he knew that whatever it was between him and Enjolras- it wouldn't last. It wasn't even real. Not really. Not like Marius and Cosette, or even Courfeyrac and jehan. He watched then sometimes; holding hands or whispering to each other and smiling. And he hated them. He hated every happy couple out there, every person who had someone in their lives that wanted them- truly wanted to be with them. None of them were being used as a stress relief; none of them were a dirty secret. None of them woke up alone with only finger marks as a reminder that the person they loved had even been there. He sniffed and abandoned his glass, opting instead for the bottle itself. He took a deep drink and glared at the object of his affections. He didn't even look over,

Didn't pay any attention to him at all.

"I'll show you. I’ll pick someone else up. See how you like that."

He muttered the words into the bottle and sighed, they weren't true. He knew what would happen; he would sit and wait until Enjolras noticed him. And he would go home with him. And they would have sex. And then he'd be alone again. And he would drink.

 

He watched Enjolras walk past him and caught his eye, the slightest nod of his head pulled Grantaire from his chair; following him down the hallway they turned into a room and there they were: Enjolras' lips against his. His strong fingers unbuttoning his shirt. He relished the feeling of those lips, of his taste. He tangled his fingers in blonde hair and pretended he was loved. But when it was over- when Enjolras pulled away, when he looked at him with empty eyes. It killed him. He wanted to reach out, to touch that face he dreamed about for so long. He wanted to grab him by the shoulders and scream in his face,

_"Don't you see? Don't you see how much I love you? How I would die for you if you asked me to?"_

But instead he nodded when Enjolras told him he shouldn't drink so much and he turned away before he could notice the tears in his eyes.

"Clean yourself up. We're planning the protest."

Grantaire held on until he left room before allowing the hot tears to fall.

 

"Why do you let him do this R? He's an ass."

Grantaire looked at Eponine and smiled sadly,

"I love him. I can't help it. It's just....what it is."

Eponine put her hand on his and squeezed his fingers.

"You deserve better. So much better."

Grantaire shook his head,

"Maybe one day he'll see me. Maybe it'll be okay."

Eponine stroked his face,

"Oh 'Taire."

"Don't pity me Eponine. I get what I want from him. And he comes back to me. That's good right? He wants me. He wants me."

Eponine watched him and turned away,

"He's using you Grantaire. When are you going to wake up and see that?"

Grantaire looked at her for a moment then stood up,

"Fuck you."

"Grantaire."

He stalked out of the room and made his way home. He sat on the floor and stared at the phone. He lit a cigarette and stood at the window for a moment before picking it back up and dialling a number.

"What do you want?"

"Come over."

"I'm busy Grantaire."

Grantaire put his hand over the phone and clenched his jaw to try and stem the tears that threatened to fall.

"Please."

He heard him sigh,

"Where are you?"

"I'm at home"

"I'm busy."

"Please come over. I don't ever ask for anything just please I need to see you."

Another sigh.

"Fine."

"Thank you."

He hung up and stared at the wall. He grabbed the bottle of vodka from the shelf and poured himself a drink.

 

"Do you even like me?"

Enjolras tied his shoes and looked back at him,

"Of course I like you."

Grantaire looked down at his legs, the bed sheets were tangled around him and he traced the design with his finger,

"I'm nothing to you am I Enjolras?"

Enjolras sighed and looked at him.

"What're you on about?"

"Don't act stupid you heard me."

Enjolras raised an eyebrow and stood up.

"I'm nothing to you. Just a quick fuck when no one else is available."

His voice started to get louder as his anger boiled over,

"You can't treat people like this Enjolras. I am the only one that cares about you. Actually about you. Not what you do. You. And you treat me like shit."

Enjolras looked at him in shock; Grantaire shook his head and climbed from the bed. Pulling his boxers on he turned his back on Enjolras.

"Grantaire..."

Grantaire turned back to him,

"Don't. Don't bother. You know what? I knew this wasn't real I knew you didn't really care about me. But I thought hey maybe he'd change his mind. But you don't care. And I'm done. I'm done caring about you."

Enjolras stared at him shame faced. He looked down then looked back at him.

"You're gonna realise one day that I was good for you. That I....that I loved you. And you're gonna be alone."

Enjolras looked as though he had been slapped, he reached his hand out and Grantaire moved away.

"Just get out Enjolras."

"Grantaire."

"Please just go."

Enjolras dropped his hand and turned to leave,

"I'm sorry Grantaire"

Grantaire rubbed his face.

"Delete my number Enjolras. I'm done with you."

Enjolras winced and left, Grantaire waited until the door shut before picking up the bottle and throwing it at the wall. He fell to his knees and pressed his hands to his eyes before sobbing.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

"What do you mean you don't know where he is?"

Eponine stood in Enjolras kitchen and glared at him,

"I don't know where he is. He kicked me out and I haven't seen him since."

Eponine stared at him for a moment,

"Are you drunk?"

Enjolras looked up at her and frowned, he was unshaven; his shirt was dirty and his hair unkempt.

"Not drunk. Drinking but not....not drunk"

He lifted his glass to his lips and winked at Eponine,

"You're an ass Enjolras. You hurt him and he's gone. Do you understand? He's gone. No one has seen him in three days. Why don't you care?"

Enjolras stood up suddenly and wobbled slightly.

"He hates me. I'm scum. Seems I don't care about anything. Clearly I'm just in this for myself."

He walked past her and picked up another beer from the counter.

"You know for a smart guy you really are a moron Enjolras. You better find him I swear to god."

Enjolras turned to her,

"Why should I? Why shouldn't I just let him get on with it? He's done with me."

Eponine turned around and slapped him across the face; Enjolras stumbled back in shock,

"You sonofabitch. He loves you Enjolras. Loves. You. God knows why but he does. And you"

She pointed her finger in his face,

"You are going to find him and make this right or so help me I will end you."

Enjolras looked at her and rubbed his face,

"It's not like I hated him Eponine. I.....I..."

He sighed and looked down,

"I care for him Eponine I do. I just....I can't do what he wants. I can't."

Eponine folded her arms,

"Why not? I mean you started this. You're the one that keeps going to him. Is it just sex? Cos if you just wanna get off then hire a hooker. Don't fuck with someone's heart."

Enjolras looked at the floor,

"I didn't mean to do this. I never wanted to hurt anyone."

"Well obviously. Look at how well you treated him. Look at how often you made him feel like you liked him. You didn't even acknowledge him."

"If I could make it right don’t you think I would?"

"Then find him."

Enjolras sighed and rubbed his face,

"He doesn't want me to find him."

"If there is anyone he wants its you. Find him."

Eponine turned on her heel and stormed out. She didn't ask if he was okay. She didn't care. She just wanted to find Grantaire. She dialled his number again, already knowing that there would be no answer. It went straight to answer phone. He'd turned it off. Or lost it. She shut her eyes for a moment and made her way to the bars for another check. Enjolras stood in the empty apartment in shock. Her words had struck him harder than her hand. He felt like crying. But he hadn't cried in years and he wasn't about to start. Instead he sniffed hard and drank the beer in his hand.

 

Grantaire ducked into a doorway. The rain had started coming down hard and he didn't have a coat. He didn't really think it through when he left. Just picked up his wallet and started walking. He shivered and folded his arms; he pulled the neck of his jumper over his mouth and tried to get warm. It wasn't working. He huffed and stamped his feet.

"Need a place to stay?"

He looked up at the stranger; they were under an umbrella and smiling at him,

"I'm fine."

"I'll give you a lift home then."

Grantaire shook his head and stepped further back into the doorway,

"You can't stay here. Look at you, you're freezing."

"What do you want exactly?"

The stranger smirked,

"Come on. You know what. I help you...you help me..."

"Fuck off."

The stranger scoffed.

"Fine freeze."

"Weirdo."

Grantaire watched him disappear down the street and groaned, if it was possible he was even colder than before. But he couldn't go home. Couldn't face them all. The thought alone made him feel sick. He shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself tighter. He lent against the cold wall and shut his eyes, all he saw was Enjolras. For as much as he hated how Enjolras made him feel he would give anything to be in those arms. The urge to reach out and find him was almost unbearable, it was as though he had even kicked in the ribs; and it wasn't getting any better. His lip quivered and he cleared his throat. He turned and looked out at the street, deciding that he wasn't going to get any wetter where he was he slid down onto the cold tiles and pulled his knees to his chest.

 

Enjolras walked out of the bar and sighed; he put the picture of Grantaire back in his pocket and walked down another street. No one had heard from him in a week. One week of Grantaire missing. One week of Enjolras not being able to focus. One week of him feeling guiltier than he had ever felt in his life.

He sat down on a bench and put his head in his hands. He breathed deeply and started as his phone rang.

"Grantaire?"

"It's me mate."

"Oh...Combeferre hi."

"Charming."

"Sorry."

"Look we've been talking. It's time Enjolras. We need to report him missing."

Enjolras swallowed hard, he didn't want to report him. If they reported him then it was real. He'd really done this.

"I don't know."

"Enjolras we have no idea where he is. He could be hurt."

Enjolras winced at the thought.

"What if they don't find him?"

"We can't find him."

Enjolras sighed,

"I'll do it. Let me. It's my fault he's gone I should be the one to do it."

There was silence on the other end then muffled yelling. It was Eponine.

"Combeferre? Tell her it’s okay. I’ll do the right thing."

He didn't know if Combeferre had heard him. He hung up and stared at the floor. Silently he stood and walked through the town toward the police station.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Enjolras sat in the waiting and tapped his fingers on his leg. He looked at the clock on the wall and lent forward. He really hated police stations. They made him feel wrong.

"Mr...Enjolras?"

He stood up quickly and walked to the police officer,

"You wanted to report a missing person?"

Enjolras nodded and pulled out the photo of Grantaire.

"Come this way please."

He followed the officer down the hallway and into a small room.

 

Grantaire shivered and coughed. He lent against the wall and watched the people going past. The young man who had shared his room the night before climbed out of a car and tucked his shirt back into his trousers whilst holding onto a wad of money.

"Hey R!"

Grantaire sniffed,

"Hey Jimmy."

The young man looked over his shoulder and pressed a tenner into Grantaire’s hand,

"What's this?"

"That's dinner. You haven't eaten in a couple days."

"Thanks."

"No problem. You realise you can earn a lot more than that if you just..."

"No. I already said I'm not gonna do that."

Jimmy shrugged,

"Your loss man. I just made 150 for lying on my stomach for twenty minutes. It's all I'm saying."

Grantaire shook his head.

"I can't....."

"Virgin?"

"No...No nothing like that."

"Well then what's up? I mean you're already gay so that's a plus."

"I've only slept with one guy...”

"Boyfriend?"

Grantaire stared at the floor.

"Nah..."

Jimmy shrugged.

"I don't get it man. It's an easy way to make money just go for it."

He clapped Grantaire’s shoulder and left him to his thoughts.

"Doors open til midnight by the way. You can stay if you need to."

Grantaire looked at him.

"Thanks. And thanks for..."

Jimmy smiled at him and walked down the alleyway. Grantaire looked down at the money in his hand and sighed. He stuffed it in his pocket and leant against the wall. His shoulders bunched up as his mind wandered to Enjolras. He sniffed hard and shivered. He wondered if he was thinking about him or if he had moved on already. The idea of someone else being in his bed made him feel sick. He wanted to go home. He wanted to see him again, feel him again. Return to the misery of being in love with someone who didn't love him back. Instead he was pretty sure he was destined to die on the street somewhere unknown. He pinched the bridge of his nose and pushed from the wall. He walked down the road and stopped when a car slowed down next to him; the man lowered his window and gestured for Grantaire to come closer,

"How much?"

"Not for sale."

"Everyone's for sale."

Grantaire fingered the money in his pocket and swallowed the fear building inside him. He shook his head and looked at the man.

"Condoms only."

The man shrugged and ran a finger up Grantaire’s arm.

"100 and you can do me."

The man nodded and Grantaire took one more look behind him before walking around the car and getting in.

 

"Okay thanks. Talk to you soon. Bye."

Enjolras hung up the phone and rubbed his face,

"Well?"

Enjolras looked to Combeferre,

"It didn't go anywhere. Wasn't him. They're extending the search another five miles. Said they'd phone the second they knew anything."

Combeferre sighed and sat back. It had been two weeks. Enjolras looked at the phone in his hand and felt numb. Eponine hadn't spoken to him, hadn't looked at him since the apartment. He sighed and stood up,

"I'm going back out."

"Enjolras it's dark what are you thinking?"

"He might go to the bars. I don't know. I can't sit here anymore I need to do something."

Combeferre took his arm,

"They're gonna find him okay? Just let them do their job."

"It's taking too long 'Ferre. If he's hurt..."

"He won't be. He'll be fine."

"You don't know that."

"You're talking about Grantaire, the man who can down a bottle of whiskey, fall from a window and jump back up to tell the tale. He'll be fine. He probably met someone and is hiding out with them."

Enjolras sighed,

"That's what I'm worried about."

Combeferre squeezed his arm and stood up,

"Then I'm coming with you."

Enjolras ran a hand through his blonde curls,

“I have to do this alone.”

“You are kidding right? You can barely stand. When was the last time you ate? Or slept?”

Enjolras shook his head,

“Not whilst he’s out there….he’s all alone and I need to find him okay?”

“Why? Why you? Not everything falls to you.”

Enjolras looked at the floor and then back up to Combeferre’s face.

“Please don’t ask me.”

“Enjolras. There is nothing I won’t do for you but you need to be honest with me. Why is this so important to you? I mean I know he’s your friend but you never showed any emotion toward him before. Why now?”

Enjolras looked at him for a moment before shaking his arm free of Combeferre’s grip.

“Come with me if you want alright? But I’m going now.”

Combeferre sighed and followed Enjolras out of the building.

 

The group sat in the cafe in silence. Much like the last two weeks they just came together, made plans for searches and tried not to look at where Grantaire would usually sit. Eponine sat glaring at Enjolras who couldn't meet anyone's eye. Marius cleared his throat and tried to start making plans for another search of the nearby towns. They spoke in hushed voices until the ring of Enjolras' phone interrupted them. He picked it up and answered, walking around and talking he was watched by everyone. Suddenly the colour drained from his face and he collapsed against the wall, Combeferre leapt up to grab him and take the phone before it fell to the floor, Enjolras slid down until he was sitting on the ground and put his head in his hands. Cosette covered her mouth with her hand and gripped Marius as they watched Combeferre talking sternly into the phone,

"Yes. Yes I understand. We'll be down as soon as we can. Thank you for calling."

He hung up and looked to the group; his face was pale as he spoke quietly,

"That was the police. They uhm......they found a body."

 


	4. Chapter 4

The words had barely left Combeferre’s mouth when Eponine launched herself at Enjolras,

"You sonofabitch you killed him."

Marius leapt up and grabbed her arms; she struggled against him as Enjolras stood up against the wall,

"You murdered him Enjolras. I hate you."

"You think I don't know? You think I don't know that this is all my fault?"

Eponine struggled against Marius again trying to reach Enjolras. Combeferre stood between them,

"Eponine calm down."

"Don’t fucking tell me to calm down! He's dead because of you."

Combeferre put a hand against Enjolras' chest,

"All they've said is that they found a body that matches his description. That doesn't mean it's him. It could be anyone."

Eponine got one arm loose and pointed at Enjolras.

"You did this. You. He could be on that slab. It could be him and you are the one that put him there."

The others watched her in shock.

"Why couldn't you just treat him well? You treated him like a fucking animal and now he's probably dead. All because of your goddamn pride."

Marius held her to his chest and put his other hand on her head.

"You think I don't feel guilty for this? You think I don't hate myself for this? I know it's my fault."

"Then why couldn't you just love him?"

Enjolras put his head in his hands, Courfeyrac sat up,

"What the hell is going on here?"

Eponine never took her eyes off Enjolras,

"He has been fucking Grantaire for months. Months. And he just threw him aside every time. You knew how he felt about you. Don't act like you didn't. You're the reason he's gone. And you're the one that killed him."

"THAT'S ENOUGH EPONINE."

Combeferre took charge of the conversation,

"They need someone to identify the body. I think we should..."

"Enjolras is going to go."

They looked at Eponine again, Enjolras dropped his hands and looked at her, not wanting to make eye contact with the others,

"You put him there so you can look at him."

"Enjolras you don't have to..."

"I'll do it. She's right. About everything. I am sorry for how I treated him. I am. And if it’s......if it’s him...."

Eponine pulled away from Marius and marched toward him, Combeferre stood between them,

"If he's dead Enjolras....then you are too."

She pushed past Combeferre and stormed from the cafe.

Enjolras stood in shock. He stared at the floor as the others began to whisper between themselves, Combeferre put his hand on Enjolras' shoulder but he pushed him away. Stumbling slightly he made his way through them and walked to the small bathroom in the back. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. He felt sick, sicker than he ever had before. He retched slightly and covered his mouth with the back of his hand. Squeezing his eyes shut he tried to breathe. Flashes of Grantaire popped into his mind and he retched again. He turned and dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and lifted the lid just in time as he vomited.

"Enjolras are you okay?"

Marius knocked gently; he paused as he heard Enjolras retching again then coughing.

"Enjolras please talk to us. No one....no one is judging you. We just want to help you."

Enjolras spat into the toilet bowel and flushed it down. He stood shakily and splashed his face with water before opening the door.

"Enjolras..."

"Do you have gum?"

"What?"

"I threw up."

Marius checked his pockets and found a packet. He offered it to Enjolras and stepped further into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

"Enjolras talk to me."

"What's the point? Eponine already said everything."

"Was it true? Have you two been....?"

"I've been sleeping with him. I didn't tell anyone because it’s no one’s business."

"Do you love him?"

Enjolras looked at him for a few moments,

"It's okay if you do....and it's okay if you don't."

Enjolras rubbed his face,

"I don't......I don't know Marius. I just....what if it’s him?"

"It won't be. He's tough...hey he is. You know that he is."

Enjolras nodded,

"Do you want us to go to the hospital instead?"

Enjolras shook his head,

"I need to do this. I need to.....if it’s not him I need to make things right."

Marius nodded and put his Han on Enjolras' shoulder.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

Enjolras stared at the floor for a few moments before nodding,

"Yeah. Please."

"Okay. Five minutes and we'll go."

Enjolras put his hands in his pockets and nodded. Marius squeezed his arm and left him alone.

 

"I hate hospitals."

Marius looked over from reading the sign on the wall and looked at Enjolras,

"I don't think that's unusual."

Enjolras stared at the floor and exhaled slowly. His legs shook uncontrollably and Marius put a hand on one,

"Enjolras...”

"Why hasn't anyone been to get us? They know we're here."

"I don't know. It shouldn't be long."

They sat in silence for a few minutes until a police officer came over and took them to the morgue. When they got to the door Enjolras turned to Marius,

"Can you wait here?"

Marius nodded and looked around,

"I'll be right there okay?"

Enjolras nodded, his face drained of colour as he walked through the door. He wobbled slightly at the sight of a body under the sheet in front of him. The officer held him steady,

"You're okay there."

Enjolras stood in front of the table and swallowed hard. The assistant nodded to the officer who stood next to Enjolras.

"We just need you to say whether this is your friend or not okay?"

Enjolras nodded, his eyes never left the shape of the blanket.

"Are you ready?"

"No.....yeah. Sorry yeah."

The officer nodded to the assistant and Enjolras shut his eyes and exhaled slowly, he heard the sheet being moved back and opened his eyes slowly to look at the body. He gasped and clutched his stomach. Covering his eyes with his hand he shook his head,

"It's not him. It's not him."

The officer put a hand on his shoulder and nodded to the assistant to cover the man up again.

"Are you okay?"

Enjolras nodded and turned away from the table,

"I need to get out."

"Okay. Thank you doctor."

The assistant nodded to them both and pushed the body back in to the wall. Enjolras walked to the door and collapsed against it, Marius jumped up and covered his mouth. He looked at the police officer, who shook his head,

"It's not him."

Marius choked out a laugh and put a hand against the wall.

"Thank god."

Enjolras remained against the doorway.

"Enjolras?"

Enjolras looked at Marius; the last thing he saw before everything went black was his friend reaching out to grab him.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

"Enjolras wake up; come on open your eyes."

Enjolras opened his eyes slowly and looked up at the person talking to him and Grantaire’s face came into focus, he smiled and put a hand to his face,

"Did I find you? You're okay?"

"Enjolras open your eyes."

Enjolras started as the person shook him slightly. He looked up again at Marius and gasped slightly.

"You're okay Enjolras, you fainted."

Enjolras looked up from his position on the floor at the police man speaking into his radio then back at Marius.

"It wasn't him."

"I know. I know he's gonna be okay."

"What have I done Marius? I fucked up so bad. Why couldn't I tell him?"

"Shhh it's okay. They wanna check you over okay? You hit your head a bit."

Enjolras scrambled to his feet, the policeman turned to help him but he shrugged them away,

"I need to find him. I need to get him home."

"You will okay we'll get him. We just need to make sure you're okay."

Enjolras shook his head,

"I'm fine. I'm fine just let me go."

Marius grabbed his arms,

"Go where Enjolras? We have no idea where he is. You need to settle down okay?"

"I killed him Marius. Didn't I? Oh god what if he's dead out there and we haven't found him. I can never take it back. I can't erase what I did to him."

Marius pulled him into a hug and gestured to the police man that they were okay. He nodded and stepped back,

"I didn't want to hurt him Marius. You believe me don't you?"

"I do. I know you didn't."

"I couldn't tell him Marius. How could I tell him?"

Marius put him at arm’s length and looked at him,

"Do you love him Enjolras?"

Enjolras looked at the floor for a long time; Marius couldn't help but wider if he'd heard the question at all until slowly he nodded. Marius sighed and hugged Enjolras again,

"It's okay Enjolras. It's going to be okay."

"No it's not. I did this to him. He could be anywhere thinking I hate him. Thinking I just used him. How could I do that to him? He did nothing but love me and I tossed him aside."

"Shhh it's okay."

"I'm a monster."

Marius shook his head and gripped his friend tightly as he shook with sobs.

 

Grantaire gripped the bed sheets as the man pushed in, he was rough. Rougher than the last person he'd had. He bit his lip and shut hi eyes tightly, the man gripped his hips tightly and he knew he'd have marks later. The room filled with the sound of the man grunting and it made Grantaire sick to his stomach. He put his head in the pillow and thought of Enjolras, he tried to pretend that it wasn't a stranger inside him but instead the man he loved. Finally the man came with a shudder and pulled out. He didn't say anything. Just dropped a pile of notes next to Grantaire and pulled his clothes on. Grantaire stood shakily and pulled his jeans back up. He turned his head as the man grabbed his ass and left. Pocketing the notes he made his way out of the motel room and round the corner. He gasped leaned against the wall. He coughed several times, clutching his stomach and moaning before turning and throwing up.

He wanted to die. He'd thought about it in the weeks he'd been gone. Thought about taking the others up on their offers of pills and just ending it all. The thought of escaping life and feeling nothing appealed so much he spent a lot of time on the fantasy. It was usually when there was a stranger pawing him. Pushing him to his knees to suck them or bending him over something to push inside him with whispers in his ears that made him want to cry. He found he had become completely separate from himself in those times, as though he were floating above the scene watching and screaming yet no one heard him. No one ever heard him. He hated himself; he'd look in the mirror of a public bathroom as he cleaned himself up and feel empty. The eyes looking back at him weren't his own. They were someone else. He hated that person. He wanted them gone. He wanted the scratch marks on his back, the dried cum mixed with blood on the inside of his thighs, the needle tracks inside his arm; all of them gone. He stood and questioned the strength of his belt around the pipe above him. He always questioned it. And yet he never made a move.

There was always one thing stopping him. He wanted Enjolras. He wanted him more than he wanted anything else. He wanted to wake only to find this had all been a horrible nightmare. Wrapping his own arms around himself barely gave him comfort at night, but it was enough to keep him going. He knew that the echoing 'I love you' inside his mind was just his own voice but to hear it in Enjolras' made him believe he could hear it for real. It was that or the fever he'd been carrying for a week had finally melted his brain. He coughed and pulled his hoodie around himself before heading back to the room he'd been staying in.

 

"You didn't tell anyone did you?"

Marius looked at him from across the table,

"Of course not. You asked me not to."

Enjolras nodded and looked at his hands.

"Why haven't they found him? It's been weeks."

"They will. It's a big place they just haven't gone to the right place yet."

Enjolras scrunched his nose and sniffed hard.

"They're looking for a body aren't they?"

"No. They're looking for him. And they will find him. Alive and well."

Enjolras shook his head slightly,

"Either way he's going to hate me. I'm the reason he left. He'll never forgive me this."

Marius moved so he was next to Enjolras and touched his hand.

"He'll see when we find him. He'll see how much you care about him. He won't hate you."

Enjolras smiled sadly,

"You're a good friend Marius but you're very naive. If he'll ever speak to me again....he won't forgive me."

Marius bit his lip and opened his mouth to say something when Enjolras' phone rang. Enjolras scrambled for it and pressed it to his ear.

"Hello?"

Marius watched him speak to the person, his heart banging in his ears, eventually Enjolras hung up and exhaled slowly,

"They've found him."

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

24 HOURS EARLIER

 

Grantaire clutched his stomach and coughed again. Doubling over slightly he wheezed as he tried to catch his breath. Another coughing fit hit him and he retched. Grimacing he scrunched his eyes at the pain in his throat.

"Bastard fucking bruised my throat."

He wiped his mouth and spat on the floor; purposely ignoring the blood he bought up and shut his eyes for a moment before standing and holding the wall for support. He shivered and wiped his nose.

"Hey jimmy man. I need a score. I got money."

His friend looked at him and shook his head,

"I ain't giving you any more man. Look at you. I don't think you're well."

Grantaire shook his head and shivered again,

"I'm fine. Please. You want more money? I’ll go get more. I’ll work the lunch hour."

"No one’s gonna want you coughing all over them when you're getting fucked man."

"Please they don't care. Let em do it bare back they don't give a shit about--"

He coughed again. And groaned as he clutched his head.

Jimmy grabbed him by the arm,

"R you're not well. Look at yourself. When was the last time you slept?"

Grantaire looked at him and ran a hand through his hair.

"Don't act like the caring drug dealer now. You got me into this now you help me."

Jimmy let go of him.

"Who are you man? Forget it. I'm not gonna be the one who kills you."

Grantaire sneered and turned away before coughing again. He doubled over and coughed until he retched. Jimmy put his hand on Grantaire’s back but was pushed away.

"You don't wanna help me then don't."

Grantaire pushed him away and left the apartment.

He walked through the streets and had to stop and lean against the wall for a minute to catch his breath. He rubbed his forehead as the street began to blur. He knelt on the floor and dropped his head.

"Pull yourself together come on." Shaking his head he stood and walked into the crowded street.

Coughing into his hand he looked at the crowd around him as they pushed past. His head thumped with every pound of his heart. He pulled his hoodie around himself and made it halfway down the road before his legs gave way and the world went black.

 

"He's in here. I have to warn you he's unconscious. We had a call from a member of public; he'd collapsed in the street. He's hypothermic and hit his head pretty hard on the ground. We sedated him and are trying to raise his temperature right now. We....we did find evidence of drug abuse. He had heroin in his system as well as alcohol and other substances. We're optimistic about his chances as long as we can get his temperature up. But you can sit with him. He might be able to hear you."

Enjolras nodded numbly. Marius squeezed his shoulder,

"I have to call the others."

"Give me some time with him first okay?"

Marius nodded,

"Of course."

The doctor touched Enjolras' shoulder for a moment and showed him to the room where Grantaire lay. Enjolras stood at the end of the bed and touched the sheet lightly. He stared at the man, so small and fragile, white as snow against the dark blue of his hospital gown. The tube from his mouth led to a machine which rose and fell with each breath. Enjolras trailed his eyes from the face he knew so well to the arms which once embraced him, the bruises in the crook of his elbows made him feel sick and he rubbed his face.

"I'm so sorry Grantaire."

The rhythmic beep of the monitor was his only response and he sat next to the bed staring at it, staring at the line that moved with every heartbeat. He looked at Grantaire’s face and brushed the hair from his eyes; he ran his thumb against his cheek and dropped his hand to the bed. Taking Grantaire’s hand in his he held him tightly, he yearned for those fingers to close around his, instead they hung in the air. He brought the hand to his mouth and kissed it.

"You need to be okay. Okay? I need you to wake up and be okay. Please."

He looked at Grantaire’s face again,

"Can you hear me Grantaire? Do you know I'm here?"

He sighed and sat in silence holding Grantaire’s hand and listening to the steady beep of the machine.

"Enjolras?"

Marius touched his shoulder,

"Enjolras it's getting late."

"Where are the others?"

"They're coming in the morning. I told them to give you time first."

Enjolras nodded and looked at Grantaire again.

"He looks so small."

"He's gonna be okay Enjolras."

Enjolras looked at Marius,

"You should go home. Cosette will worry."

Marius shook his head,

"No it's alright. She knows."

They stood in silence for a few moments then Marius shifted,

"Enjolras I have to tell you something. They told me...."

He stopped and rubbed his head,

"What?"

"There was evidence of abuse.....Sexually...."

Enjolras felt his stomach drop and his grip on Grantaire’s hand tightened,

"They said something about the location of injuries. The....they did a rape test."

Enjolras shut his eyes and grimaced at the word.

"They're testing him for loads of diseases....and HIV."

Enjolras shook his head slightly. It was a few moments before Marius noticed the tears falling silently from his eyes.

"It’s just precaution Enjolras the odds are he doesn't have anything."

Enjolras sniffed,

"Yeah but he might. He might have it. I fucked him over and now he....he might have..."

Marius squeezed his shoulder as Enjolras bought Grantaire’s hand to his lips again.

"This is a nightmare Marius. I just wanna wake up. I wanna wake up and tell him I'm sorry and that I......"

He turned to Marius,

"I just wanna wake up."

Marius pulled a chair next to Enjolras and sat with him in silence. They watched Grantaire sleeping until the nurse came to the door.

"I'm sorry guys, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now."

Enjolras looked at her pleadingly,

"Please let me stay. I won't cause any trouble. I just wanna sit with him."

The nurse shook her head,

"I'm sorry it's hospital policy. You can come back in the morning. We will call if there's any change."

Marius nodded and touched Enjolras' arm.

"Come on buddy. We can come back early."

Enjolras sighed and looked at Grantaire again before standing up. He leaned over and kissed his forehead,

"I'm so sorry. Please be okay."

He ran a hand through Grantaire’s hair and smiled at him before leaving another kiss and whispering,

"Sleep well. I......"

He falterd and shut his eyes,

"I'll see you tomorrow."

He turned back to the nurse who was looking at Grantaire’s chart and looked up at Marius.

"We'll come back first thing?"

"I promise."

Enjolras nodded and moved aside, Marius gripped Grantaire’s hand,

"We'll see you tomorrow buddy."

Enjolras rubbed his face and followed Marius out of the hospital.

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Enjolras sat looking at his shoes. He looked up at the clock and rolled his shoulders. He winced slightly at the stiffness in his back and sat back in the chair. The others were in the room with Grantaire down the hall and he ached to be there as well. He couldn't hack the looks though, the glances of pity mixed with anger. The outright hatred from Eponine. He rubbed his face and shut his eyes. He wanted Grantaire awake, wanted to tell him the words that had been going around and around in his head for weeks. He felt someone sit next to him and he opened his eyes. Marius put a hand on his leg and sat silently next to him.

"Why don't you go get something to eat? Or drink?"

Enjolras shook his head,

"I don't wanna go anywhere. I wanna be here in case he...."

"Okay. The others are gonna go soon. There's not much you can say to an unconscious person."

"They hate me."

"No they don't."

"Eponine hates me."

"Eponine doesn't hate you. She's scared and she's taking it out on you."

"I'm scared Marius. What if he doesn't--?"

"He will. He'll be fine."

"It's been three days why isn't he awake."

"They're just keeping him under so he doesn't get stressed out."

Enjolras sniffed and looked at the clock again,

"Why don't you come and talk to them?"

Enjolras shook his head.

“I can't do that Marius. It's hard enough keeping it together with you."

Marius nodded and they fell into silence again.

 

"Hi Grantaire. It's me again. Still sleeping huh? It's okay. You take your time. I’ll be here."

The nurse smiled at Enjolras and left them alone, the doctors had been in and out all afternoon. They had been bringing Grantaire out of the sedation and now it was up to him to wake up. Enjolras took his hand and smiled at him.

"The bruises are going. You'll look good when you come round."

Enjolras looked down at his hand gripping Grantaire’s,

"Can you hear me Grantaire? Can you squeeze my finger and let me know you're here?"

He watched their hands for a while and sighed,

"It's okay. You take your time. I'm here when you're ready."

Enjolras swallowed and brushed the hair from Grantaire’s face,

"I miss you Grantaire. Life isn't worth anything without you. I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you that."

He watched Grantaire’s face for a moment, comforted by the rise and fall of his chest. He rubbed his jaw and looked around,

"They said that reading to you might help. I didn't know if you liked certain books or....anyway I couldn't think of what to get and all they had was the paper. Uhm.....so I thought maybe I’d read to you today. What do you think?"

He looked at Grantaire and cocked his head before nodding. He picked up the paper and slipped his hand back into Grantaire’s before reading the front page. He was halfway through a story about a new law being passed when it happened,

"Only you would bring a boring story to wake someone in a coma."

Enjolras looked up and dropped the paper on the floor,

"Grantaire....you're...are you okay?"

Grantaire smiled weakly and winced,

"What's wrong? What can I do?"

Grantaire rubbed his throat,

"Water."

"Right right."

Enjolras turned and poured him a glass before turning back and helping him to lift his head. Grantaire drank it down and nestled back into the pillow.

"Take it I'm not dead then?"

Enjolras shook his head and smiled,

"You're gonna be okay, I promise you."

He reached out to touch Grantaire’s face and faltered; he sat back and put his hands in his lap,

"I'm so sorry Grantaire. For everything."

"Why?"

"I...."

"You don't need to feel bad for this."

Enjolras blinked away the tears in his eyes and grabbed Grantaire’s hand,

"I do though."

Grantaire frowned at him and looked down at their hands before he swallowed and coughed,

"You sure I'm not dead?"

Enjolras laughed as the tear fell from his eye,

"I'm sure."

Grantaire squeezed his hand,

"I dreamed you were here."

He looked at Enjolras with tears in his eyes,

"I wanted to die but you stopped me. I just wanted it to stop."

"Shhh it's okay. You're safe now."

"Why am I not dead?"

"Grantaire..."

Grantaire put his other hand to his face and sobbed, Enjolras got up from the seat and sat on the bed, he pulled Grantaire up until his face was buried in Enjolras' chest,

"It's okay Grantaire."

He brought Grantaire’s hand to his lips and kissed it,

"I am so sorry for all this Grantaire. I am not leaving you again. I'm here."

With the little strength he had; Grantaire fought against Enjolras,

"Why couldn't you just do us all a favour and let me die?"

Enjolras held him tightly as the sobs shook through Grantaire’s body,

"Why did you have to find me? Why are you here? Haven't you done enough?"

Enjolras pulled away and looked at Grantaire’s face,

"Why do you keep torturing me Enjolras? It's hard enough to be in love with you. Why do you have to keep coming back?"

Enjolras looked shocked for a moment before holding Grantaire’s face and kissing his lips, gently at first for fear that Grantaire would shove him away. He felt Grantaire press against him for just a second before pulling back,

"I'm here, I found you......I needed you .... Because I'm in love with you Grantaire. And I'm an asshole for not telling you the second I met you. The way I treated you? I can never forgive myself for that. And I can never ask for your forgiveness because I don't want it. I just want you safe. And happy....."

"You love me? Or you feel guilty?"

"I love you Grantaire. I love you more than anything."

Grantaire pinched his nose and lay back down in the pillows.

"I can't do this right now Enjolras. I.....I'm tired okay?"

Enjolras sat back and tried to cover his emotion.

"Okay. Yeah of course I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed....I'm sorry."

He went to stand when Grantaire touched his arm,

"I wanna believe you Enjolras. I wanna believe you more than anything."

"I'm telling you the truth Grantaire. Whether you believe it or not. Whether you want it or not.......I'm in love with you and that's not changing."

Grantaire looked at him for a moment.

"I don't feel right Enjolras."

"I'll make it up to you."

"No I.....I don't....."

"Grantaire?"

Grantaire’s hand dropped onto the bed and Enjolras lunged as the seizure took over him.

 

Machines started beeping and the door opened to doctors and nurses pilling inside the room,

"Sir you need to step outside."

"What's wrong with him he was fine a second ago."

"Sir please step outside so we can help him."

Enjolras froze and watched the doctors trying to stop Grantaire from seizing. The nurse pushed him gently out of the door and shut it.

Enjolras watched them work on Grantaire through the window. He felt himself get light headed and sat down hard on the chair in the hallway. He dropped his head and began to breathe heavily. Pulling his phone out he dialled a number,

"Marius I need you. Please."

He hung up and stood slowly to look through the glass again, the doctor was checking Grantaire’s pupils and shaking his head to something one of the nurses said. Enjolras felt sick, he covered his mouth with his hand and gasped. The door opened and a nurse came out,

"He's going to be okay."

"What?"

"He had a reaction to one of the medications he's on but we got it under control and stopped the seizure. He's sleeping now."

"Can I sit with him?"

"You can but don't make a fuss of him. He needs to sleep."

Enjolras nodded and waited for the doctor to leave before sitting back next to Grantaire and taking his hand again.

"I'm so sorry Grantaire."

He felt Grantaire squeeze his fingers for a second before his hand relaxed again and he slept. Enjolras didn't move, even when Marius arrived and sat with him.

"Thank you for coming."

"No worries. I'm here for you okay?"

"Thank you Marius."

"He'll be okay."

Enjolras half smiled and returned his attention to Grantaire.

 

 

"How are you feeling?"

"Oddly tired for someone who's been unconscious."

The doctor smiled at him and picked up his chart,

"Well that's normal; your body has been through a lot. But we got your core temperature up and your vitals are good. No more seizures which is great. The medication you're on now should be okay. How are the withdrawals?"

Grantaire shrugged slightly,

"I'm okay. Could do with a drink."

The doctor chuckled,

"Well I can't advise that I'm afraid."

She looked at Enjolras, who was sitting holding Grantaire’s hand,

"We have your test results back..."

Enjolras sat up,

"You want me to go?"

Grantaire looked at him,

"No. No stay please."

The doctor nodded and flipped through the chart,

"We had to do a number of tests for sexually transmitted diseases. We also tested for HIV."

Grantaire gripped Enjolras' hand tightly,

"You are a lucky lucky man Grantaire."

Grantaire looked at her with wide eyes,

"I'm okay?"

"You're still pretty ill but yes. You are negative on all. You have someone looking over you for sure."

Enjolras couldn't help but grin an shake his head. He pulled Grantaire hand up and kissed it,

"Oh thank god."

The doctor smiled and put the chart back,

"When can I go home?"

"Few more days. You had a nasty chest infection as well as the start of hypothermia. We want to make sure everything is top shape before we let you go....you have somewhere to go?"

Enjolras looked at her,

"He's coming home with me."

Grantaire looked at him and opened his mouth to say something before shaking his head and shutting it again.

"Alright then. Well you need rest mister so..."

She looked pointedly at Enjolras, who coughed and looked at Grantaire,

"Can't he stay? Please? I want him here."

The doctor looked at them for a moment and sighed. She pointed at Enjolras,

"If anyone asks- I never saw you okay?"

Grantaire smiled broadly,

"Thank you doctor. You're a star."

"Hmm just don't get too excited. We need to get you better."

Grantaire smiled as she left and turned to Enjolras,

"You are fucking lucky Grantaire."

Grantaire looked at his lap for a moment.

"Grantaire.....the injuries.....you....did they...I mean......were you?"

Grantaire looked at him sadly,

"They didn't rape me Enjolras."

Enjolras let out a shaky breath,

"It's not rape when you take their money after."

Enjolras looked at Grantaire in shock.

"Oh Grantaire what did I do to you?"

Grantaire chewed his lip for a moment,

"You didn't do anything. Not really. I just couldn't deal with the reality in front of me."

"I hate that I made you feel so unloved. I truly didn't.....want that."

Grantaire smiled and looked down,

"It wasn't easy. Hating you. I tried so hard to hate you."

Enjolras half smiled,

"Good?"

Grantaire looked at him,

"I lay there at night trying so hard to hate everything about you. I wanted to be able to think about you and feel nothing. But I couldn't. I couldn't hate you."

A tear fell from his eye and he brushed it away,

"I did those things with those men because the only thing stronger than my love for you was my hatred for myself. Those men......they...."

He rubbed his face and looked away.

"They made me forget you. I just wanted to forget you."

"I'm sorry Grantaire. I’ll disappear from your life if it helps you. I will. It might hurt me but I will."

"I don't want you to go anywhere Enjolras......I....."

Enjolras smiled and brushed the hair from Grantaire’s face.

"Despite everything......I love you."

Enjolras smiled again,

"You do still?"

"I do."

"I love you too."

"You can kiss me....?"

Enjolras chuckled and leaned in, he kissed Grantaire deeply, smiling against his lips as he felt fingers tangle in his hair,

"I swear to anything out there I will make you happy again."

Grantaire just nodded and kissed him again.

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

"I have never been so happy to see anyone as much as I am to see you. You know that?"

Grantaire smiled at Eponine and sat up.

"Sight for sore eyes huh?"

Eponine kissed his forehead and sat beside him,

"You scared the living shit out of me Grantaire."

"I heard."

Eponine looked at him and narrowed her eyes,

"Apparently you wanted to kill Enjolras?"

Eponine set her jaw and looked at him,

"' Ponine. You don't hurt him. You hear me?"

"You mean like he hurt you?"

"Eponine. Don't okay? He and I........we're okay. We're better than okay. He told me he loves me."

Eponine chewed her lip.

"Grantaire you...."

He gripped her hand,

"He loves me. He does. And I love him."

"I don't want you to get hurt. He's still an ass."

"Yeah he is. You're right. But I love him. I can't help it."

Eponine brushed the hair from his face,

"I know you can't baby."

"Apologise to him?"

"Hell no. Uh uh. Nope."

"Please?"

Eponine looked at him and shook her head.

"At least let him know you're not gonna kill him?"

"No promises."

Grantaire chuckled and coughed,

"You okay?"

He nodded,

"Fine just....still sick."

Eponine leaned over and kissed his lips quickly.

"You ever. EVER run away like that again. And I will kill you."

 

Eponine walked into the hallway and stopped as she saw Enjolras sitting and talking to Marius. She looked back at the room where Grantaire was and sighed. She walked over to them and they fell into silence as they looked up at her. Enjolras cleared his throat and shifted slightly in his seat.

"Enjolras can I talk to you?"

Marius rubbed his nose and looked around,

"I'm gonna go say hi to the patient."

He stood and squeezed Eponine’s arm before walking to Grantaire’s room. Enjolras looked at Eponine as she sat and cleared her throat.

"I shouldn't have threatened to kill you. That was wrong of me and I apologise for that."

Enjolras half smiled at her,

"I however am not sorry for the other things I said. You were an asshole to him."

"I know."

"Grantaire told me what you said to him. Do you mean it?"

"I do."

Eponine looked at him and he leaned away slightly, suddenly aware of how empty the hallway was. She pointed a finger at him and narrowed her eyes,

"If you ever do that to him again. If you ever make him feel like death is a better option again. I won't hesitate to put a blade in your chest. Do you understand me?"

Enjolras nodded,

"You make him happy"

"I...."

"That's not a compliment. That's not even a question. You will make him happy. You will take care of him."

Enjolras nodded and looked at the ground for a moment before looking back at her. She tucked her hair behind her ear and sighed before pulling him into a hug.

"I never meant for any of this to happen. You know that right?"

"I know. You're an idiot but I know."

"I do love him Eponine. And I'm sorry it took this to make me realise. But I do love him. So much."

She nodded and pressed a kiss to his neck before pulling away.

"You're a scary lady. Do you know that?"

Eponine laughed and touched his face,

"Go be with him."

Enjolras nodded and stood, he touched her arm and walked to Grantaire’s room.

 

Enjolras walked in to Grantaire and Marius laughing. He stood in the doorway and smiled. Grantaire looked up and grinned,

"Hi."

"Morning. You sound happy."

Marius turned around and smiled at Enjolras,

"Just catching Grantaire up on all the news."

Enjolras nodded and looked down,

"I'll catch you later Grantaire."

He clapped Grantaire’s shoulder and walked from the room, Enjolras watched him leave then walked in and kissed Grantaire, he tangled fingers in his hair and held the kiss until Grantaire chuckled,

"You're in a good mood."

"Just happy you're okay."

Grantaire stroked his face and smiled.

"Are we gonna be okay?"

Enjolras smiled and ran a hand through the thick black hair,

"Yeah. Yeah we are."

Enjolras sat next to him and took his hand.

"So you talked to Eponine?"

Grantaire smirked.

"She apologise?"

"For wanting me dead. But she needn't have. She was right. How I behaved was...”

Grantaire put a finger on his lips.

"In the past. It's done."

Enjolras smiled and kissed the fingertip.

"I'll make it up to you. One of these days I will do something for you that makes you smile more than you've ever done in your life."

"I'll hold you to that."

Enjolras smiled and looked at the door.

"So I heard a rumour that you're getting out tomorrow."

"That's the word on the street."

"Ready?"

"Nervous."

"Still wanna come stay with me?"

Grantaire squeezed his fingers,

"More than anything."

 

Enjolras opened the door and helped Grantaire in,

"I'm okay. You don't need to bubble wrap me."

"I'm sorry I just..."

"I love you for it but I'm okay."

Grantaire walked in and dumped his bag on the sofa, he twisted his fingers together and looked at Enjolras who was sorting out the mail,

"You sure it's okay I'm here? I can go to mine."

"You're going nowhere. I’m gonna take care of you okay?"

Enjolras walked over and kissed him. He snaked his arms around Grantaire’s neck and held him close.

"I'm gonna be here. I'm in it for good okay?"

Grantaire nodded against him and kissed him.

"Now. Can I get you anything? Soup? Tea? Ice cream?"

Grantaire chuckled,

"I'm tired. A nap would be good."

Enjolras nodded,

"Of course. Bedroom.....you know where the bedroom is."

Grantaire smiled and looked over to the room.

"Come with me?"

"Of course."

 

They lay in the blankets in silence; Grantaire stared at the ceiling and tried not to think about the last time they were in a bed together. Enjolras lay next to him doing the same thing; he chewed his lip and reached for Grantaire’s hand.

"Grantaire I'm sorry for everything I did to you. For making you feel that way. I'm sorry I hurt you so much."

"I know you are. It's alright."

"No it's not. I want you to know that I love you. I really love you."

"I love you too."

Enjolras turned to him and pulled him into a kiss. Grantaire gripped his shirt as the kiss deepened. Rolling over so he was on top, Enjolras pulled his shirt off and began unbuttoning Grantaire’s jeans,

"I love you so much."

Enjolras latched into Grantaire’s throat and sucked on the skin, Grantaire let his head fall back and his eyes close, it was when Enjolras slid his hand into Grantaire’s jeans that it hit him. The image of every man, every quick fuck in an alley, every time he was pushed down or bent over. Every injection in the back of a car. Every time he was pressed against a bathroom wall and fucked without preparation. Every time he woke up on a piss soaked mattress in some crack den. It all hit him at once and he gasped,

"Get off. Get off me. Get off me."

Enjolras sat up suddenly and was pushed aside as Grantaire leapt from the bed and ran to the bathroom. He just made it before throwing up.

"Are you okay? What did I do?"

Grantaire looked up at Enjolras with tears in his eyes before retching and vomiting again. Enjolras dropped to his knees behind Grantaire and rubbed his back,

"You're okay. You're okay."

"No I'm not. I'm not I'm fucked up. The things I did. God the things I let them do to me. FUCK."

Enjolras shut his eyes tightly; he didn't want to think about those things.

"It's over Grantaire. It's over now you're safe."

Grantaire turned to him and prodded himself in the head,

"But they're in there Enjolras. They're in there all the time and they won't go away. I'm not strong enough to stop these thoughts. I thought I was. I thought it was you that made me feel like this but it's me. It's all me. I’m fucked to hell and it's my fault."

Enjolras pulled him in to a hug and held him as he pounded his fists against him and sobbed into his skin.

When Grantaire pulled away, Enjolras wiped the tears from his cheeks gently and kissed his forehead,

"I wanna sleep with you. I do. I just...."

"Shhh it's okay. I don't care about that. I just want you okay. Come on let's get you cleaned up and we can just sleep. Just lay together."

Grantaire nodded and stood up; he flushed the toilet and went to the sink to clean up. He exhaled slowly and splashed his face before brushing his teeth.

 

"I do love you. I do."

"I know you do. I love you too."

Enjolras wrapped his arms around Grantaire tightly and held him close. He kissed Grantaire's head and closed his eyes.

"You're gonna be okay."

Grantaire nuzzled Enjolras' neck and gripped him tightly, praying he was telling the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Enjolras reached out to the other side of the bed and froze. He opened his eyes and found nothing but the cold emptiness of the bed. He sat up and looked around,

"Grantaire?"

He listened out but heard nothing. Climbing from the bed he made his way slowly through the darkness to the living room,

"Grantaire you in here?"

The room sat empty as the panic began to rise inside Enjolras. He turned and made his way to the kitchen, he opened the door slowly and breathed a sigh of relief,

"There you are. Grantaire?"

Grantaire stood at the sink staring out at the garden,

"Grantaire you okay?"

Enjolras made his way over to the man and touched his shoulder lightly,

"Grantaire?"

"I thought I heard something."

Enjolras frowned and turned him around,

"Are you okay?"

Grantaire looked up at him blankly,

"I thought someone was trying to get in."

Enjolras hugged him, holding his head to his neck,

"No one is trying to get in. You're safe here. I got you."

Grantaire gripped him tightly and closed his eyes,

"Come on let's go back to bed."

Grantaire nodded then pulled away and looked out the window again, Enjolras cocked his head,

"Grantaire?"

"I just want to check the doors again."

Enjolras was used to that. They checked the locks at least twice a night. Had done ever since the night he came back.

"Okay let's check them. Take my hand."

Together they checked every window and door before going back to bed. Grantaire lay in the blankets and chewed his lip, Enjolras watched him before putting a hand over his chest,

"It's okay Grantaire. You're safe here. I’ll stay awake until you're asleep okay?"

Grantaire nodded and turned to him,

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He leaned over and kissed Grantaire’s forehead.

"Go to sleep okay? I’ll be here."

Grantaire closed his eyes, tangling himself with Enjolras until sleep took him.

 

"How many nights is that now?"

Enjolras stirred his coffee and sighed,

"Every night since his freak out. It's been weeks Marius."

Marius sipped his drink,

"Thought about sending him to someone?"

"I don't think that's gonna go down well.

"Is it just at night?"

Enjolras nodded,

"Yup. He just freaks out. Nightmares, flashbacks. He won't let me touch him; which is fine I'm not...I'm just grateful he's okay but.....how can we have a relationship like that?"

Marius touched his arm and smiled,

"It's just gonna take time. He needs to feel safe with you. Maybe start slowly? Kissing maybe? When he's comfortable then move on to something else."

Enjolras nodded and looked around,

"What would I do without you?"

Marius laughed,

"You'd do exactly the same as you do now. But you'd be sadder."

Enjolras laughed and shook his head,

"I just want him to be okay."

"He will be. He will. Just be patient."

"I don't wanna push him away."

"If he says stop then just stop. Don't lose your rag with him."

Enjolras let out a breath and smiled.

"I'll give it a go."

They drank in silence for a minute,

"Do you think he needs to see someone?"

"I think he needs you."

"Hopefully I'm enough."

"You are. You are Enjolras. Give him time."

Enjolras sat back and sighed,

"Thanks Marius. For everything you've done."

Marius squeezed his shoulder,

"Don't worry about it. It's what I'm here for."

 

"Grantaire? You in?"

"In the living room."

Enjolras put the bag of groceries down and walked into the room to see Grantaire on the sofa cross legged with his sketch book out,

"You're drawing again?"

"Yeah I got a rush of inspiration."

"That's brilliant. How was your day?"

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Grantaire’s head and sat next to him,

"It was good. ’Ponine took me out to the river. It was nice. Peaceful."

"Yeah? We can go again if you want."

"I'd like that."

Enjolras moved the hair from Grantaire’s face and ran his thumb over Grantaire’s cheek.

"What do you want to do tonight?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"Stay in with you."

"Okay. Sounds perfect"

He leant in and caught Grantaire’s lips in a kiss, Grantaire stilled before kissing him back. Enjolras slid one hand behind his head, the other rested on Grantaire’s thigh. Enjolras flicked his tongue on Grantaire’s lip, requesting entry. Grantaire sank into the kiss slowly, deepening it as he allowed Enjolras to push their tongues together. The sketchbook fell to the floor as Grantaire turned into the embrace his own fingers tangling in Enjolras' hair. It was when Enjolras' hand moved over to Grantaire’s crotch that he pulled away,

"Sorry. Sorry."

"Shhh don't be. It's my fault. I shouldn't have pushed it."

Grantaire pressed his forehead against Enjolras'.

"I want you so much you have no idea...I just...I'm not ready I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Really we can go as slow as you want. You're in charge here."

Grantaire pressed his hand to Enjolras' face,

"Kissing is good."

"Yeah?"

Grantaire nodded,

"Just stay above the waist for now okay?"

"Whatever you want."

Grantaire kissed him again, reaching down and taking Enjolras' hand. He entwined their fingers and untangled his legs so he could push Enjolras' back until they were laying on top of one another, the kisses became lazy, slowly and indulgently they took their time, their hands pressed together rested above Enjolras' head. The other tangled in hair and Enjolras' shirt. Grantaire pulled away again,

"Are you alright?"

He nodded and smiled,

"Can I ask you to do something? It's......a bit weird."

"Sure.....what?"

Grantaire chuckled at Enjolras' confused face.

"Can you keep your eyes open? I just.....I want to be able to see you."

"Okay....yeah."

They kissed again, Enjolras looked straight into Grantaire’s nervous eyes, watching as they changed from fearful to loving with each kiss. Enjolras manoeuvred them over so he was on top and took Grantaire’s hand again. It was Grantaire who succumbed first and let his eyes flutter shut. Enjolras kept his open. Just to make sure he was okay.

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Grantaire sat on the bed and watched Enjolras sleep. He wanted to climb under the covers and feel him, touch him, love him. But something kept stopping him. Enjolras had been so patient with him, he hadn't pushed any further than kissing and it killed Grantaire. He wanted to give Enjolras what he wanted, wanted to feel him inside, wanted to have him panting and gasping under his touch, wanted to make him beg and cry out and love him, but he couldn't. Physically he could he was sure of it but not mentally.  Grantaire rubbed his tired face and got up to check the locks again.

 

He stared in the mirror for a while before picking up the whiskey bottle and taking another slug. He winced as it burned its way down his throat and unzipped his jeans. He put the bottle down and shoved his hand inside his underwear. Taking himself in hand he began to rub himself, slowly at first before speeding up. He dropped his head back and groaned. Nothing. He pulled his hand away and took his jeans off. He pulled his underwear down and turned his back on the mirror before taking himself again and resuming the strokes. After a few minutes he huffed impatiently and opened the drawer to get the lube. He squirted some in his palm and tried again. It was only when his wrist began to ache that he stopped,

"Fuck fuck fuck."

He kicked the bin over and grabbed the whiskey bottle, taking another deep drink he tried again with the other hand.

"Come on. Come on. FUCK."

He dropped his hands and put the bottle down again.

"Fuck come on."

He looked at himself in the mirror and felt the anger rising quickly. He picked up the bottle and threw it against the wall where it smashed; sending glass all over the floor and whiskey into the bathtub. He pulled his boxer shorts back up and slid to the ground. With his head in his hands he screamed in frustration and slammed his head back into the tiles of the wall.

 

"Grantaire you in?"

Enjolras walked through the darkened apartment, seeing the light from under the bathroom he knocked gently,

"Grantaire you in there?"

The door opened slowly and Enjolras stepped inside, he saw Grantaire on the floor, new bottle of whiskey in his hand. Grantaire looked up and smiled,

"There he is. The one and only."

Enjolras dropped to his knees in front of Grantaire,

"What happened you okay?"

Grantaire shook his head took another drink, Enjolras frowned and took the bottle from him. He put it out of reach and turned back,

"What happened?"

"Nothing. I tried for hours. Nothing happened. Not one thing."

Grantaire laughed then rubbed his nose.

"Grantaire what are you talking about?"

Grantaire raised his hands and laughed,

"I'm useless."

"No you're not. You're not."

Grantaire stood up and wobbled; Enjolras jumped up and grabbed him to steady him,

"You don't get it."

"I don't get what?"

Grantaire turned to leave when Enjolras grabbed his arm,

"Grantaire?"

"I can't get hard okay? I got nothing. I tried and tried and nothing. You happy now?"

Enjolras looked at him in shock,

"Grantaire it's--"

"Don't fucking say it's okay. Don't. It's not okay. Do you have any idea what this feels like? I can't do anything!"

"Grantaire there's solutions to these problems it's probably just..."

"What? Stress? Fuck off Enjolras you're stressed and I don't see you dealing with this. Just poor broken Grantaire. Can't even get his own goddamn body to do something that's meant to be natural FUCK."

He put his head in his hands again and started to shout to no one. Enjolras wrapped his arms around him and was pushed away,

"Don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me."

Enjolras took a step back,

"I'm sorry."

"FUCK."

He reached out a hand,

"Grantaire stop. Stop just calm down."

"How the fuck can I calm down? What the fuck do you know about any of this?! I'm broken Enjolras. Just leave me now. Christ what the fuck is wrong with me?"

Grantaire backed into the wall and began throwing himself against it, Enjolras leapt forward and grabbed his arms,

"Grantaire stop. Stop it. Calm down."

Grantaire started screaming and pounding his fists against Enjolras who simply took it. He wrapped his arms around Grantaire until he couldn't move and held him. He felt Grantaire’s hands unclench as the shouts turned to sobs and his knees gave out. They both dropped to the floor as Enjolras held him in place. Grantaire shook against him as violent sobs wracked through his body.

"Shhh it's alright. It's alright."

"It's not it’s not. I'm broken. Fuck I'm broken."

Enjolras rocked him and kissed his head,

"No you're not. You're not, you're perfect. You're not broken."

Enjolras held him until the sobs turned to sniffs before pulling away and pushing the hair from Grantaire’s face.

"Listen to me. You are not broken. You're not."

"You shouldn't even wanna be with me. I can't get it up."

"Who cares? I’m in love with you not your dick."

Grantaire half smiled before his face crumpled again.

"I think I need help Enjolras."

"Okay we can go to a chemist and get--"

"No I mean...I think I need help. I don't want to live like this anymore."

Enjolras brushed his thumb over the tear tracks on Grantaire’s cheeks.

"We'll get you what you need okay?"

Grantaire nodded,

"I'm so tired."

"Let's go to bed then."

Grantaire held his wrists and allowed him to be pulled up.

"Go get into bed I'm gonna get you a drink."

Grantaire nodded and turned away, Enjolras pulled him round again,

"I love you Grantaire. Nothing is gonna change that. You hear me?"

Grantaire smiled sadly,

"I love you too."

"Go get in bed I’ll be right there."

He watched Grantaire walk into the bedroom before letting out a breath and covering his mouth. He walked to the kitchen and turned the tap on. Pinching the bridge of his nose Enjolras squeezed his eyes shut,

"Come on. Come on."

He poured a glass of water and cleared his throat before walking to the bedroom. He stood in the doorway and looked at Grantaire,

"Hey, I got you some water sit up."

"I'm not thirsty."

"Maybe not but you're having it."

He sat beside Grantaire and handed him the glass, when he was happy Grantaire had drunk enough he took the glass and stood up. He kicked his shoes off and undid his jeans; letting them fall to the floor he climbed in beside Grantaire and pulled him over so Grantaire’s head rested on his chest.

"I'm sorry Enjolras."

"What the heck for?"

"You've been so patient with me and I just keep screwing up at every turn."

Enjolras held him tight and kissed his head,

"Don't ever apologise okay? I'm here for you. I want to be here for you."

Grantaire reached for his hand and laced their fingers together.

"Stay with me until I'm asleep?"

"Of course."

Grantaire listened to Enjolras' steady heartbeat until he felt his eyelids droop. It was another three hours of watching Grantaire before Enjolras allowed his own eyes to close.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

"I'm scared."

"Scared of what exactly? Do you think that Enjolras will hurt you?"

Grantaire shook his head,

"I know he wouldn't...but....what if I can't give him what he wants? What if he leaves me again? What if I can't stop this constant voice in my head that's telling me to end it?"

"You have suicidal thoughts?"

Grantaire swallowed,

"I don't see a reason why it should make any difference that I'm no longer here."

The doctor looked at him and wrote something down before turning back,

"How long have you been home now?"

"Six weeks."

"How is it?"

"It's great. I should be thrilled I mean the man I've loved for years has taken me in but....."

"You're still unsettled?"

"Yeah."

"How are the withdrawals going?"

"Fine. I'm seeing the doctor every week and she's great."

The doctor nodded again before sitting forward slightly,

"I think what we have here is a case of PTSD....post-traumatic stress disorder."

"I thought that was just for soldiers and rape victims."

"You don't see what happened to you as rape?"

"It can't be rape when you take the persons money."

"What you went through, with the drugs and the sexual abuse, it was sexual abuse. It's not surprising that you don't want to have sex."

"I want to have sex. Believe me I want to have it....I just can't."

"You're experiencing erectile dysfunction?"

"Makes me sound old."

"It's a myth that only old men suffer from it. But it's not permanent I can assure you."

"So what I'll be on Viagra for the rest of my life?"

"Not necessarily. What we need to do is sort out what's blocking your mind before anything else. I want to start you on a cycle if medication. For anxiety."

Grantaire looked at his hands,

"And I'm going to book you in for a session with the therapist, one for you alone and one for you and your partner."

"A sex therapist?"

He said it with a laugh and the doctor smiled,

"If that helps you. You want to be close to him again, so having the therapy together will help. I'm sure he's worried about you."

"Yeah he is. But he's been great. Really great. I just..."

"Grantaire I'm worried about these thoughts you've been having. Have you self-harmed?"

"No....no I haven't I just....have moments."

The doctor nodded and put a hand on his arm,

"You will be okay. You're not alone in this. We will start you on the cycle and see how you are in a few weeks okay?"

"Thank you doctor."

 

Enjolras sat in the waiting room chewing the side of his thumb. His leg rocked up and down as he watched the room that Grantaire disappeared into. When the door opened he jumped up. Grantaire smiled at him and he walked over,

"You okay?"

Grantaire held up the prescription,

"Anti-anxiety. And a therapy session. For both of us."

Enjolras looked at him and he chuckled slightly,

"They're sending us to a sex therapist."

Enjolras raised his eyebrows,

"Well if it helps I guess....come on let's go home."

 

Enjolras passed him a glass of water and sat next to him. Grantaire sighed and looked at the pill in his hand,

"What if it doesn't work?"

"Then we'll go back."

"Don't leave me tonight?"

"I'm not going anywhere I promise."

Grantaire nodded and took the pill. He downed half the glass of water and looked at Enjolras. His eyes filled with tears and he sniffed,

"I didn't want to end up like this."

Enjolras took the glass from him and put it down before putting an arm around him and lying back on the couch. Grantaire rested on his chest and let the tears fall quietly, stroking his hair Enjolras whispered to him,

"You're not ending like this. Just a hiccup is all. You're gonna be okay."

"I wanted you to look at me with pride. Not be the person you have to take care of."

"I am proud of you Grantaire. You're the strongest person I know and I love you. Besides I like taking care of you."

"I'm sorry for running away."

Enjolras kissed the top of his head and held him,

"I'm sorry for making you feel that was your only option."

Grantaire lay listening to the beat of Enjolras' heart. They lay together, drifting between chatter and silence, neither noticing the time until the room began to grow dark.

 

When Grantaire opened his eyes they were in the same position. Enjolras had turned the TV on and was watching a news programme that Grantaire knew didn’t come on until late. He yawned and sat up slowly, Enjolras looked at him and smiled,

"Hey sleepy head. Feel better?"

"How long was I out?"

"A good three, four hours."

"You sat here all this time?"

"Of course. I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

Grantaire rubbed his eyes and yawned again,

"I think that pill knocked me out."

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay actually."

"Well that's good."

"Mmm."

"You hungry?"

Grantaire stretched his arms out,

"A little."

Enjolras leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips.

"Come on let's go find something."

Grantaire smiled and watched him get up before looking around; he scratched his arm and chewed on his lip,

"You okay?"

"Yeah I uhm....I'm sorry I just..."

Enjolras held his hand out,

"Come on we'll go check them together."

Grantaire smirked,

"That predictable huh?"

"Don't worry about it. Come on."

He took Enjolras' hand and they checked all the locks before heading to the kitchen to make food.

 

"Sex therapist?"

Marius sat on a bench and opened his water,

"Yeah. Technically. I mean officially she's a couple’s counsellor or some shit. But yeah. Sex therapist."

"You looking forward to that?"

"I don't know man...I mean I want him to be okay. And if it helps him..."

Marius nodded,

"How are the pills working?"

"Good actually. The nightly freak outs have mellowed. I still have to get up twice a night to check the locks but he's stopped freaking out and waking himself up shouting."

"Jeez...can I help in any way?"

"Nah, just have to let it work itself out."

Marius looked at the garden in front of them,

"He really loves you. Always has."

"I know. And I love him. Wouldn’t do this if I didn't."

Marius squeezed Enjolras' shoulder,

"You think she's gonna have you do like....sexercise?"

Enjolras laughed loudly,

"Oh my god I kinda hope so I really do."

"It's all for him just remember that."

"I would crawl through broken glass if it meant putting a smile on his face."

"You're a good man Enjolras."

"Hmm let's see how it is after the session."

"You really shouldn't call it a session."

"You know I regretted it as soon as I said it."

Marius laughed and took another drink.

"Do you talk to the others about it?"

Enjolras shook his head,

"Just you."

"I'm honoured but......please don't give me details of it"

Enjolras shook his head and pressed his hand to his face,

"Trust me I won't."

"You're a good friend."

Enjolras looked at him for a moment before laughing and opening his own drink.

 

"I want you to both relax okay? I'm not here to pry into your private moments I just to help you both get through this."

Grantaire slid his hand into Enjolras' as they sat opposite the therapist.

"I need to ask you, how was your sex life before the incident?"

Enjolras cleared his throat and turned slightly red,

"It was good. Kind of, we never communicated it was more of a...."

"Friends with benefits kind of situation?"

"Yeah kind of."

"I see. So it was more the physical side instead of the closeness?"

"Yeah. We never really focused on being close."

"Is that what you want now?"

Grantaire looked at Enjolras and smiled sadly,

"I want to feel close to him. I want to make him feel loved. Make him feel as loved as he's made me feel these last few weeks."

Enjolras looked at him and squeezed his fingers,

"I do feel loved."

"It not the same though is it? I can tell you again and again that I love you, but when all you're getting is kisses until I freak out....I don't wanna hurt you by freaking out."

"Grantaire I would kiss you forever it it's what made you happy."

"But I want to have sex with you. I want to make love to you and have you want it back."

"I know...I know you do. I'm just saying...sex isn't the most important thing to me. You are. Your peace of mind and your happiness is what makes me happy. I want that."

The therapist looked from one to the other,

"Can I ask....who usually takes charge in the bedroom?"

Enjolras looked at her,

"I usually....uhm..."

"Top?"

"Yeah."

"Grantaire when you were.....selling yourself. Did you ever take the lead?"

Grantaire shook his head,

"You get paid a lot more to lay there and take it."

Enjolras winced at the words and looked away. The therapist wrote something down and looked at them,

"Have you considered that maybe it's the idea of being used again that's making you so anxious about sex? That being touched is what's bringing these memories back?"

"What do you mean?"

She leaned forward slightly in her seat,

"Well if Enjolras is always the one taking charge maybe he reminds you of being used by these men. Maybe you should take charge?"

Grantaire looked at Enjolras, who shrugged,

"You mean top him?"

"Sex isn't just about penetration. If the idea of penetration is what's causing you to freak out then maybe don’t focus on that. Touch each other, kiss each other, and find other ways to cause arousal. Grantaire if you were in charge and knew that there would be no penetration at all, would that make you more comfortable?"

Grantaire swallowed and looked at Enjolras again,

"I guess. I mean the other stuff doesn't scare me...not that I'm scared of being....I just....I'd rather not right now."

"Enjolras how do you feel about that?"

Enjolras nodded,

"Yeah I mean, I want him to be comfortable. Like you said sex isn't just about that. I miss you Grantaire. I miss touching you."

"I miss you too."

The therapist smiled,

"Don't focus on the main aspect of sexual intercourse. You need to relearn each other. Find what else turns you both on and explore it. The more relaxed you are with each other the more likely you are to enjoy it, and the more likely you are to become aroused enough to achieve an erection. Okay?"

They nodded.

"So what I suggest is you take some time. Don't worry yourself about it happening right away. Just relax with each other. If kissing is as far as you want to go then that's fine, maybe next time you can go a bit further. Do not stress out about it."

 

"Grantaire?"

Grantaire looked up from his wine glass and smiled,

"You okay?"

"Yeah just thinking about everything she said."

"Anything you want to share?"

Grantaire took a drink and set his glass down.

"When I.....when I was selling it.....when those men were doing that to me. I escaped. Mentally I mean."

Enjolras swallowed hard, he didn't want to hear this.

"I escaped to you. Every single time. I shut my eyes and I thought of you. Of your face, your voice, your arms around me. I spent so long imagining that it was you."

"Grantaire....."

"No please I.....I need to say it....I spent hours imaging you telling me you loved me. It was the only thing that got me through those hours with them. Enjolras I am terrified that if I can't give you this....If I can't get over this....then you'll leave me. And I am so sorry to put that on you. I am. I just....I feel sick when I think about having sex. When I think about them being inside me. I can't do it. I can't."

Enjolras gripped his hand,

"I want you. I want you more than anything but....I don't think I can have you inside me again."

"Okay. Okay it’s okay."

"I just want you to hold me and kiss me, please I just want you."

Enjolras nodded and kissed him; he held his face and pressed open mouth kisses against his hot skin. Grantaire fisted his hands in Enjolras' shirt. Enjolras broke the kiss and looked at him,

"I am here whenever you want me. We can go slowly; you can be the top I don't care about that. If you want me to kiss every last inch of you then I will. Grantaire you need to listen to me; I. Love. You. You; not your body, not sex, not even the way you make me feel when we have sex. You. If you told me you never wanted to touch me again or have me touch you. I wouldn't care. Because I want you. Do you understand me?"

Grantaire nodded as a tear fell from his eye. Enjolras enveloped him in his arms and held him.

"If wanting sex means losing you then I don't want sex."

Grantaire pressed his face into the side of Enjolras' neck. He pressed a kiss to the skin, his fingers tangled in Enjolras' hair as his lips made their way up his neck until he pulled back and pressed his lips to Enjolras'. He licked his lips and watched Enjolras' as he whispered,

"Let me touch you?"

Enjolras nodded; Grantaire kissed him again before standing up and walking them both to the bedroom.

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

They sat at the end of the bed and looked at each other. Grantaire watched Enjolras trying to keep his breathing under control,

"Are you alright?"

Grantaire nodded and sucked in his bottom lip.

"You sure you want to do this?"

Grantaire answered by reaching out and placing his hand on Enjolras' cheek. Enjolras leant in to the touch; he pressed a kiss to the side of Grantaire’s hand and looked at him.

"I wanna be with you."

"You are with me. We don't need to do this if you're not ready."

"I'm ready. I am.......I think."

Enjolras smiled at him and pressed his hand to the one on his cheek,

"Just let me take charge okay?"

Enjolras nodded; Grantaire leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips before dropping his hand and moving closer. He kissed him again, tangling his fingers in Enjolras' shirt. Enjolras sat motionless, unsure of what to do with his hands. Grantaire pulled away and took his hands in his own, he lifted them and put one on each side of his own face before leaning in and taking Enjolras' lips again.

"I could kiss you forever Grantaire. You know that right?"

Grantaire nodded again,

"But I want more."

Enjolras let out a shaky breath, desperate to take the lead and push Grantaire to the bed to make him feel again.

"Lie back."

Enjolras let go and lay back into the bed; Grantaire lay beside him and pressed another kiss to his lips before slipping his hand into Enjolras' shirt and brushing his collarbone with his thumb. The touch alone sent blood rushing south, Enjolras slid his fingers up into Grantaire’s hair and his tongue into Grantaire’s mouth. He felt himself being straddled and smiled against Grantaire’s lips.

"You doing okay?"

"Yeah. I think so."

They kissed until Enjolras could take no more. Grantaire hadn't moved since straddling him and hadn’t seemed to notice how hard Enjolras was getting from it. Enjolras moved his hands to Grantaire’s thighs and began sliding up them. Grantaire stilled and pulled away slowly,

"Sorry. Was that? I'm sorry I’ll stop."

"You're hard."

"Sorry."

Grantaire pushed himself off and knelt on the bed, he balled his fists and began smacking his head with them,

"Fuck fucking fuck."

Enjolras grabbed his wrists and pulled them away,

"Grantaire. Stop."

Grantaire shook his head pushed Enjolras away. Climbing from the bed he stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

"Grantaire."

Enjolras followed him to the bathroom and banged on the door,

"Grantaire open the door."

"Fuck off."

Enjolras rubbed his face and banged on the door again,

"Grantaire open the fucking door."

"Aren't you listening? I said fuck off."

Enjolras turned to go and stopped,

"You know what? No. You're gonna come out here and talk about what the fuck just happened."

"Why?"

Enjolras banged on the door with his fists,

"Because I am the only goddamn person trying to help you and I am sick to death of you throwing it in my face. You think you're the only one dealing with this shit?"

The door flew open and Grantaire stood before him,

"You trying to say I don't care about you?"

"I'm trying to get you to understand that you're not the only one suffering."

"Oh yeah I'm sure the lack of sex is killing you."

"You still seriously think that's all I care about?"

"Well why not? All I was to you for months was a quick fuck, how much has really changed?"

His fist connected with Grantaire’s jaw before he even realised that he had moved. Grantaire stumbled backwards in shock,

"Shit Grantaire I'm-"

Grantaire swung for Enjolras, his fist caught Enjolras' lip, splitting it open and sending blood down his chin. Enjolras fell backwards into the bedroom as Grantaire launched himself again. Enjolras managed to fight him off with a knee to his stomach, Grantaire groaned as he rolled over and Enjolras straddled him again before landing another punch to his face,

"You sonofabitch. You think I don't care about you? I searched for you for weeks. I thought you were dead. I identified a fucking body thinking it was you and you think all I want is sex?"

Grantaire pushed his hands away and forced Enjolras to his back,

"I never asked you to look for me. I was free of you. You made me feel like shit for months. You made me run. You made me do those things."

Enjolras wriggled his arms loose grabbed Grantaire’s face before heaving himself up and head butting him. Grantaire fell back to the floor,

"I made you do those things? I MADE YOU? FUCK YOU GRANTAIRE. YOU DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF US YOU SELFISH FUCK. You left. You just fucking left and we had to pick up the pieces."

"So why even bother Enjolras? Why did you even bother looking for me?"

Grantaire stumbled to his feet; he looked down at Enjolras and wiped the blood from his nose,

"Why are you here huh? Why are you still here?"

Enjolras jumped up and strode over to Grantaire who put his fists up, batting them away Enjolras grabbed his face and kissed him; ignoring the pain in his lips he pushed Grantaire up against the wall and fisted his hands into his shirt. Grantaire pushed his face away and gasped,

"I can't do it Enjolras."

"The hell you can't. Stop blocking yourself and come."

Grantaire sniffed and pulled Enjolras in again, snaking his hand between them; Enjolras cupped him through his jeans,

"You won't make it happen"

"Try me."

Grantaire hissed at the pain he felt all over his body and kissed Enjolras harder. Enjolras unzipped his jeans and stuck his hand inside to grab Grantaire. Grantaire bit down on Enjolras' lip in response.

"Grantaire...."

Grantaire opened his eyes slowly and looked at Enjolras.

"I'm here because I love you. Because I have loved you for a long time."

Grantaire gasped slightly as Enjolras worked him through his jeans. Grantaire held onto Enjolras tightly, his fingers digging into Enjolras' arms as he tried to breathe. Enjolras pulled him out of his jeans properly, pushing them down until they were around Grantaire’s thighs; Enjolras took him in hand again and stroked him. He looked into Grantaire’s eyes and pressed their foreheads together, his free hand stayed on Grantaire’s chest- keeping him pushed him against the wall.

"En-Enjolras."

"Just let it happen Grantaire. Come on."

Grantaire let his eyes close as he grew hard in Enjolras' hand. He smirked slightly, moaning as Enjolras changed the position of his hand,

"There we go. Good boy. Come for me."

Grantaire moaned and took Enjolras' lips in another kiss. The strokes sped up as they kissed until Grantaire whimpered, legs shaking he pulled away and threw his head back. His nails dug into Enjolras' arms as he came with a cry.

"Atta boy."

"Enjolras..."

Enjolras stroked him through the aftershocks of the orgasm until Grantaire let go of his arms and began to slide down the wall. He sat on the floor with Enjolras on his knees opposite him,

"You okay Grantaire?"

Grantaire looked at him. He reached up and touched Enjolras' lips making him wince.

"You had to identify someone?"

Enjolras looked away before nodding. Grantaire let out an 'oh' before breaking down and sobbing, Enjolras pulled him into a hug, he covered his mouth with his hand until he couldn’t hold in his own sobs anymore. The room filled with the sounds of their desperate sobbing mingled with whispers of

“I’m sorry, I love you. I’m so sorry.”

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

It took a few moments for Enjolras to adjust to the darkness of the room before he saw Grantaire standing in the corner. He rubbed his eyes and sat up,

"Grantaire?"

The man stood near the bathroom staring at the floor.

"Grantaire what are you doing?"

"There's blood on the floor."

Enjolras sat up straight and yawned,

"Yeah."

"I made you bleed."

Enjolras touched his lip; it had swollen up quite badly.

"Grantaire?"

"I didn't mean to do that."

"I know you didn't. Come back to bed."

Grantaire sniffed,

"I can't. I have to clean it."

"No you don't. Come on you need to sleep."

"I have to check the doors."

Enjolras dropped his head,

"Grantaire the doors are fine. We checked them remember?"

"I have to check them."

Enjolras climbed from the bed and went up behind Grantaire before wrapping his arms around him,

"Come back to bed Grantaire. The doors are fine. I checked them when you were sleeping."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"I promise. Come on."

He led the man back to the bed and climbed in behind him. Pulling him to his chest; Enjolras held Grantaire close until he felt his breathing even out.

 

When he woke up again the bed was empty. He rubbed his eyes and sat up,

"Grantaire you in the bathroom?"

He walked over to the half open door and knocked gently before opening, finding the room empty. Enjolras looked back at the bed and walked into the living room. His heart stopped as he caught sight of the arm hanging over the side of the sofa.

"Grantaire?"

Enjolras ran to him and grabbed the man’s shoulders,

"Grantaire open your eyes. GRANTAIRE."

Grantaire moaned and opened his eyes slowly,

"Ugh what?"

Enjolras sat back on his heels,

"What? Seriously? I thought you were...what are you doing out here?"

Grantaire sat up and yawned,

"I couldn't sleep. I didn't wanna wake you up so I came out here."

Enjolras looked at him; Grantaire looked from the floor to his face,

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you."

Enjolras rubbed his face,

"I thought I'd lost you."

Grantaire felt a stab of shame and pulled Enjolras into a hug.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think."

Enjolras pulled away and rubbed his nose,

"It's fine. It's fine. Did you sleep?"

"Yeah a little."

"Feel better?"

"Not really. Feel bad for hurting you."

Enjolras waved him away,

"I'm fine."

Grantaire looked at him and frowned, his lip was swollen and bruised, there was a bruise blossoming on the side of his face and he had a scratch above his eyebrow. Grantaire reached up and touched Enjolras' face,

"I’m sorry."

Enjolras leaned into the touched and pressed his own fingers against the bruise on Grantaire’s cheek.

"Didn't exactly go easy on you either."

"Still love me."

Enjolras nodded and pressed their lips together briefly before wincing and pulling away,

"Yeah no that still hurts."

Grantaire bit his lip and pressed a kiss to Enjolras' cheek instead.

 

"Jesus Christ what happened to you?"

Enjolras pointed to himself,

"Got into a heated conversation with Grantaire."

Marius grabbed Enjolras' face and turned his head from side to side.

"Fuck sake man, what the hell were talking about?"

"Usual. Why wouldn't he relax? Why was he being so....I said things that were....I deserved it."

"You deserved to be punched in the face?"

"I punched him first to be fair."

Marius let go of Enjolras and shook his head,

"How is he?"

"Distant."

"Still no sex?"

"Nope. Got him hard though."

"Well that's improvement."

Enjolras sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair.

"I don't even know any more Marius. I mean what am I even doing? Is there any point?"

Marius looked at him for a moment,

"Don't give up on him. You love him."

"I don't think I'm strong enough to keep doing this. He's different. He's so....it's like he's there but he's not. He's just.....what if I can't do this?"

Marius felt his stomach clench as Enjolras' voice cracked, he pulled him into a hug and held him tightly,

"I hate this Marius. I hate feeling so useless."

"You're not useless. You're not."

"Then why isn't he getting better?"

Marius sighed,

"I don't know. I don't know. But in here for you okay? Whenever."

"Thank you Marius."

 

"Grantaire you in?"

Enjolras paused at the door listening. Hearing nothing he walked in to the living room and dropped his bag on the floor. He shrugged his jacket off and made his way to the bedroom. He picked up the remote to turn the TV on and headed to the bathroom. Finding the remote useless he sighed and took the batteries out; cursing to himself as one slipped from his hand and rolled beneath the bed. He dropped down and felt under the bed for it. His hand caught the corner of a shoe box and he frowned before pulling it out. He looked at the box trying to remember it, flipping the lid off he sat back on his heels; he felt as though he'd been winded as he looked down at the contents. He picked up the first packet and dropped it again before rubbing his face. He pushed himself back up onto his feet and rubbed his head. He turned away from the bed and tried to calm his breathing. He looked back at the box on the floor for a moment before turning again,

"FUCK."

Picking up the remote he threw it against the wall,

"FUCK FUCK FUUUUCK."

 

Enjolras sat staring at the TV blankly, he barely looked up when the door opened and Grantaire walked in.

"You alright?"

"Where have you been?"

"Went to the docs. It's Thursday."

"Oh. Right."

Grantaire pulled his hoodie off and went into the bedroom. Enjolras clenched his fists before standing and following him; he stood in the doorway and watched Grantaire search through one of the drawers,

"Lose something?"

"Err spare phone charger."

"You sure?"

"What?"

"It's just I thought you'd maybe be looking for the five different types of painkillers you've been stashing around the house."

Grantaire froze and turned around slowly,

"You..."

"Found them? Yeah."

"I can explain."

"Oh you can explain. Okay then, go ahead and explain to me exactly what THE FUCK YOU'RE PLAYING AT."

"I just. I needed them."

"For what? For some terrible injury no one knows about?"

"It's not serious okay?"

"Not serious? You're hiding pills around the house Grantaire. You're a fucking junkie."

"I am not a junkie."

"Then why do you have them? Huh? If it’s not serious why? What the fuck have the last six months been about?"

"I didn't mean to....."

"Get hooked? Lie to me?"

"Disappoint you."

Enjolras rubbed his face and turned away,

"Why are you taking them Grantaire?"

Grantaire sniffed hard,

"I don't know."

"Not good enough."

Enjolras turned back round and looked at Grantaire,

"I couldn't deal with it. Any of it. I couldn't hack this."

"So talk to me. Don't become a drug addict."

"I'm not an addict. I'm not I swear."

"Don't mock me Grantaire. That's exactly what you are."

"I don't want to be."

"Oh so now you want help?"

"Enjolras please..."

"Please what?"

"Please don't hate me."

Enjolras looked at him for a moment, ignoring the tear that fell from his eye,

"I wish I could hate you Grantaire. It would make it so much easier if I could hate you..."

"I'm sorry Enjolras. I'm so sorry."

"Don't bother."

"Tell me what I can do. Please tell me what I can do."

"Get clean. I swear Grantaire this is the last time. I will not sleep with a junkie. I will not-"

He pointed to Grantaire’s chest.

"I will not love a junkie."

"Please Enjolras; please I love you so much."

"Then prove it."

Grantaire looked at the ground as the tears came,

"I need you Enjolras."

Enjolras grabbed him by the shoulders,

"And I need you alive. Clean. I need you here."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry. I mean Jesus Christ just take responsibility for yourself."

"What did you do with...?”

"Your stash? It's gone. You think I’m gonna keep them here?"

"And me? Am I gone too?"

Enjolras looked at him, his grip tight on his shoulders,

"I told you I wasn't going anywhere. But I swear to god. You ever take another pill and you will be out. I’m serious Grantaire you are not off the hook. I could fucking kill you for this."

"I love you."

Enjolras looked down at Grantaire, blinking away the tears that kept coming,

"I know."

He slid his hands down Grantaire’s arms and gripped him again before dropping his hands and leaving the room. Grantaire watched him for a moment before clutching his stomach and gasping. He sat down hard on the bed and covered his face as he sobbed.

 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

"Enjolras?"

Enjolras froze at the words; he closed his eyes and lay still.

"Enjolras I know you're awake."

Grantaire sighed,

"I know you don't believe me but I'm sorry."

Enjolras kept his eyes closed; he felt Grantaire get up and waited until he heard the bedroom door click shut before opening them slowly. Rolling onto his back he stared at the ceiling until his eyes hurt. He closed them again and tried to sleep.

 

Grantaire shut the bedroom door behind him and leant against it. He rubbed the back of his neck and pursed his lips to try and not cry. He dropped his hands and walked over to the window. Opening it wide he sat in the windowsill and breathed in the cold night air. Grantaire pulled his knees to his chest and stared out at the city. His mind raced, throwing things at him in an assault of images and feelings that he didn't want to deal with. He closed his eyes and covered his ears with his hands.

 

"Please talk to me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

Enjolras slammed his hands down on the counter and dropped his head,

"Because I'm angry at you. And I don't want to say something that I'm gonna regret."

Grantaire reached his hand out, his fingers lingered in the air above Enjolras' back before he pulled them away.

"I'm gonna just go. I'll stay with Eponine or....I don't know somewhere."

He began to walk away when he was stopped by a hand on his wrist. He turned to face Enjolras slowly,

"Don't go anywhere. I want you here. Where I can keep an eye on you."

Grantaire flinched,

"I'm not gonna do anything."

"I want you here."

Grantaire reached out and touched Enjolras' face, he bit his lip as Enjolras turned from the touch,

"Enjolras it's still me. I'm still the same person. That person you held and kissed and loved, it's still me."

"Is it?"

Enjolras rubbed his face,

"You have no idea how....betrayed I feel. I know you've been through shit. I know that. But.....I have been trying to help you. I have been trying to bring you back to how you used to be. And the whole time you were....lying to me. You were getting high. I can't.....I can't trust a word that comes out of your mouth."

"Don't say that. I never lied to you. I just....okay I fucked up. But I didn't lie to you. I love you; you know I love you right?"

Enjolras looked at him again,

"I don't know if I believe you."

He rubbed his face again as a tear fell.

"I want to believe you Grantaire. Christ I want to believe you. I want to feel the love that I felt for you. I just don't know if I do."

Grantaire felt his stomach clench painfully.

"You don't love me anymore do you?"

Enjolras looked away,

"Enjolras tell me I didn't ruin this completely. Please tell me I didn't lose you. I can't lose you. Please I'm so sorry."

His voice broke and he sobbed into his hand, Enjolras covered his face as his own tears came. He felt Grantaire pull his hands away and grab his face, opening his eyes he looked at Grantaire’s tear stained face,

"I am not losing you over this. I am not. We are not that weak. I love you. I'll prove it. God help me I'll prove it to you. Just tell me we aren't over. Please just tell me."

Enjolras shook his head,

"Grantaire..."

He was cut off as Grantaire pressed his lips against Enjolras'. Holding his head in place he kissed him hard, Enjolras gripped his shirt before kissing him back. It took a moment before Enjolras pushed him away,

"Enjolras please. You love me."

"You think that's gonna make this better? You think you can throw yourself at me and I'll forget?"

"Then tell me what to do."

"Get clean."

"I can't go to rehab. I can't I'm not a junkie."

Enjolras pressed his fist to his forehead then looked over at the bedroom door.

"Then you'll do it here."

"What?"

"You'll do it here. You'll stay in that room until that poison is out of you."

"Then we'll be okay?"

"No. You'll be clean. And we can start over."

Grantaire looked at the bedroom door then back at Enjolras,

"What if I say no?"

"Then I can't see how we could work."

Grantaire rubbed his face, it had been nearly twelve hours since his last pill and he was starting to feel it, the urge to take another barely covered by the desperate need to keep Enjolras in the house. He knew if he could just keep him there then everything would be okay. He looked at Enjolras, looked into his eyes, red from crying and nodded,

"Stay with me?"

Enjolras nodded,

"Yes."

"Then I'll do it."

Enjolras touched his arm briefly and walked away.

 

"Here. Drink this."

Grantaire looked up; he'd given up trying to lie on the bed and was on the floor, lying on his side with his knees tucked up to his chest. He waved Enjolras away,

"Not thirsty."

Enjolras dropped down and helped Grantaire sit up,

"Come on. They say that it's dehydration that will hurt you when you do this. Please drink the water Grantaire."

Grantaire reached out for the glass, when he failed to grip it thanks to shaking hands he cursed. Enjolras held his hands and put the glass to his lips. Grantaire drank it greedily,

"There you go."

Once the glass was empty Enjolras set it down and put a hand on Grantaire’s forehead.

"You're not burning up."

"Feels like I am."

"It's natural don't worry. Do you want to sleep?"

Grantaire shivered and shook his head.

"It hurts."

"Try and lie down okay? Just for a bit?"

Grantaire shook his head again and choked out a sob,

"I don't wanna die."

Enjolras sat back against the wall and pulled Grantaire to him so he was side on against his chest, with his body between his legs,

"You're not gonna die. You're not. This is gonna pass and you'll be fine okay?"

He brushed his fingers through Grantaire’s hair and held him closely as he sobbed,

"I fucked everything up. I always fuck it up. You should leave me to die; it's all I'm worth."

"You are worth the world Grantaire. You have no idea how much you're worth. You're my world and I am not leaving you. I'm not."

Grantaire gripped Enjolras' shirt and shivered. Enjolras hugged him tightly and rubbed his back, it was when the room grew dark that Enjolras realised Grantaire was fast asleep. He manoeuvred them both gently before standing up; he picked Grantaire up and carried him to the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched Grantaire breathe; he pushed the sweat drenched hair from his face and sighed,

"I am so sorry that I pushed you here. My beautiful boy."

He leant in to Grantaire’s ear and whispered to him,

"This is not what ends you. You are strong enough to beat this. You are."

He kissed Grantaire’s head gently,

"I love you.

 

 

Grantaire coughed and rolled over, he kicked the blankets off and moaned,

"Enjolras?"

Enjolras entered the room with a bottle of water in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other,

"I'm here. I'm here."

He sat down beside Grantaire and put the drinks on the nightstand,

"Sit up."

Grantaire groaned again,

"Come on sit up."

He pulled himself up and looked at Enjolras,

"Drink the coffee."

Grantaire looked at the mug,

"I'm tired."

"You can sleep later, drink it up and I’ll run you a bath okay?"

"What day is it?"

Enjolras picked up the mug and helped Grantaire hold it,

"It's Thursday."

"How long have I..."

"Five days. You're over the worst."

"I feel like shit."

Enjolras looked at Grantaire and brushed the hair from his face,

"You've done amazingly. It's out of your system now. Maybe later you can try and eat a bit more?"

Grantaire sipped the coffee and looked at the ground,

"You've been here the whole time?"

"You don't remember?"

"It's a bit fuzzy."

"I've been here."

Grantaire took another sip and put the mug down,

"I can't drink anymore."

"That's okay. I'll run the bath."

Grantaire sat and listened to the sounds from the bathroom, he looked up as Enjolras entered the room again and held his hand out,

"Come on."

Grantaire climbed from the bed and stood up; he took a step and wobbled. Enjolras grabbed him and helped him up,

"You okay?"

"Guess I haven't walked much in the last few days."

Enjolras walked him to the bathroom and made him stand still as he stripped him, Grantaire climbed into the bath; a sigh leaving his lips at the warmth. Enjolras sat on the end of the bath and picked up the sponge. He washed Grantaire’s body slowly before grabbing the shampoo and washing his hair,

"Head back."

Grantaire complied and Enjolras rinsed his hair,

"There you go. All clean now."

He stood to grab a towel when Grantaire gripped his wrist,

"Thank you."

"It's not a problem."

"Not....thank you for everything."

Enjolras dropped to his knees and touched Grantaire’s face. They looked at each other for a moment,

"Come on. Let’s get you dry."

Grantaire nodded and stood up to take the towel.

 

Staring down at the sandwich Grantaire shuddered,

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat."

"I'm tired."

Enjolras sighed slightly,

"Okay. But you're not getting away with it. You're gonna eat something."

"Pizza."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'll eat pizza."

Enjolras smiled then covered it with a cough,

"Was that a smile? Did I just make you smile?"

Enjolras looked at him,

"You look better."

Grantaire felt his heart drop for a second,

"Enjolras can we talk please?"

"We are talking."

"You know what I mean."

Enjolras bit his lip,

"Please Enjolras; I need to know what's going on in your head."

"I'm just glad you're okay."

"I miss you."

"I'm here Grantaire."

"No. No I miss you. I miss you so much."

He put the sandwich aside and moved across the bed to where Enjolras was sitting. He clutched Enjolras' face and pressed their lips together. Enjolras froze for a moment before kissing back. He slid his hand up to Grantaire’s face and broke the kiss. Putting their foreheads together he sighed,

"I do love you Grantaire. So so much."

"Then let me do this. Let me show you how much I love you. Make love to me Enjolras. Please. Please."

"You don't want that."

"I do. I do I want you. I want to please you."

"Grantaire..."

"Please just let me. I need to make you want me again."

Enjolras pulled away and looked at Grantaire,

"You think that's what I want? That all I’m interested in is sex?"

"No no I don't mean...I don't know what to do."

"The problems you had before this are still there. I can't have you freaking out on me again."

"I want you...."

"Then have me. Have me. Not the other way around."

Grantaire looked at him and frowned,

"Are you saying....?”

"Feel up to it?"

"You still love me."

"I have never stopped loving you. Seeing you go through all this...seeing you come out the other side makes me realise how...selfish...how...awful I've been. And you....I could never lose you."

"I love you Enjolras."

"I love you too Grantaire. I always will...."

Grantaire found his other hand and squeezed it,

"But?"

"I can't do this again. You need to promise me that it's over. That you won't do it again. Promise me."

"I promise."

Grantaire kissed him again, pulling him down toward the bed, Enjolras pulled away again,

"Mm mm hold on. Let’s get you 100% again okay?"

Grantaire nodded, unable to keep the smile from his lips.

"First thing first. You are going to eat."

"I'm not hun-"

"I will order you a pizza. Will that be better?"

Grantaire smiled again,

"Yeah. I'll give it a go."

"Good boy."

Enjolras broke into a smile and scratched his head. He grabbed the plate and stood up,

"Alright you....rest. I'll phone for food."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

Enjolras sat on the edge of the bed and watched Grantaire sleep. He chewed his lip in concern at the sweat on his forehead. Grantaire stirred slightly and Enjolras sat straighter. The man mumbled something and turned his head before the steady breaths continued. Enjolras rubbed his tired face and stood up. He made his way to the window and opened it wide, filling the room with the cool summer breeze. He turned back to Grantaire and watched him for a few more minutes before sighing and heading into the living to try and catch a few minutes rest before he woke up properly.

 

"Hey."

"You're up."

"Yeah....where were you?"

Enjolras put the paper down and stretched upward,

"I woke up early, didn't wanna disturb you so I came out here."

Grantaire nodded and rubbed his stomach absentmindedly.

"You don't have to lie to me you know."

"I'm not."

"It's okay to be uncomfortable around me. I mean after everything I put you through-"

Enjolras jumped up and took Grantaire’s face in his hands.

"I'm not lying. I'm not uncomfortable around you. I just thought you could use some sleep. That's all."

Grantaire nodded again. Enjolras pressed a quick kiss to his forehead, relieved that it felt cooler and turned to the counter,

"You want coffee?"

"Yeah sure."

Grantaire lifted his hand to his mouth and chewed on his thumb, Enjolras turned to him and gently took it in his hand,

"Stop. You're okay."

Grantaire nodded again,

"Sorry. Can't help it."

Enjolras gripped his hand and looked at the other one. Each finger had a plaster covering the tip, he sighed and bought the hand to his lips; he kissed each one then the palm. Grantaire smiled and looked away. Enjolras put his finger under Grantaire’s chin and lifted his head,

"You don't need to worry. You're doing great. It's been weeks since your detox and look at you. You're perfect."

"I'm a mess."

"You're a survivor."

Grantaire looked at his face. He wanted to lean in and kiss those lips, but he couldn't. They hadn't in weeks. Sex was out of the question, Enjolras hadn’t pushed and Grantaire felt so awful for what he had done that he stopped trying. Enjolras would kiss his cheeks, his forehead, and every other inch of him but not his lips. Grantaire wanted to cry but instead he smiled and took his hand back from the man and turned away.

 

"How's it going with you two?"

Marius sat on the sofa and looked around.

"He's not here. Eponine came to take him to therapy."

"Oh....so how's it going?"

Enjolras sighed,

"He's clean. I'm.....I don't even know who I am. I'm some weird version trying to make everything better but clearly not doing a good job because every time I try and get close to him he...closes up and leaves."

"He still....unable to..."

"He won't even kiss me......Marius?"

"Yeah?"

"Did I fuck this all up?"

"What do you mean?"

"All of it. Finding him, bringing him home....making him get clean....have I lost him?"

Marius moved closer to Enjolras and pulled him into a hug. Enjolras gripped him tightly and buried his face into Marius' shoulder. The silent tears making marks on his shirt. Marius rubbed circles on his back slowly,

"You haven't lost him. He knows you love him. Think about it from his side. He thinks he's fucked up at every turn. Maybe he's scared of how nice you're being."

"Why would he be scared?"

"Maybe he's scared of letting you down again?"

Enjolras pulled away and wiped his eyes,

"So what do I do?"

"Show him you love him."

"I do...”

"Have you taken him out?"

"Out?"

"Yeah like on a date. Romance."

"Oh.....y...no actually. We've never. Done that. How have we never done that?"

Marius shrugged,

"Try it. Take him somewhere and show him a good time."

Enjolras thought about it for a moment,

"You're telling me I need to date my boyfriend?"

He sounded so deadpan that Marius laughed,

"I'm not saying turn your life into a chick flick."

"Good."

"Just....spend the day with him. Out of the apartment. Let him talk. Or not. Just....make him feel special."

Enjolras nodded.

"Am I gonna have to start paying you for this?"

"Yes."

"Wow."

Marius laughed again.

"Just....let him come to you okay? Don't talk about his problems. Don't mention it. Just be there."

"You should be a therapist."

Marius picked up his coffee mug and took a sip.

"Maybe I will."

Enjolras shook his was and smiled. He sat back and thought about what Marius had said.

 

"Grantaire are you busy tomorrow?"

Grantaire looked up from his sketchbook,

"What?"

Enjolras sat on the arm of the chair,

"Tomorrow. Are you busy?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"Not that I know of."

Enjolras nodded, oddly nervous about what he wanted to ask,

"Would you uhm.....would you like to do something?"

"Like what?"

"Like....go out....with me?"

Grantaire stared at him for a moment and narrowed his eyes,

"What's your game?"

"No game. There's no game. I just....look I've been a shitty boyfriend and I want to make it up to you. I want to give you a good day."

Grantaire chewed his lip; he looked down at his hands and shrugged again,

"You don't need to do that."

"What?"

"You don't need to make all these plans because you think it's what I want. I'm fine."

Enjolras sat on the floor next to Grantaire and took his hand,

"Grantaire. I am asking you out on a date. That's all. I want to spend time with you. Away from all of this. Away from this place. Please. Go out with me."

Grantaire looked at his face and couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips.

"Okay. Yes. I'll go out with you."

Enjolras beamed,

"Good man. You hungry? I'll get some dinner."

Grantaire watched him go and smiled to himself before carrying on with his sketches.

 

"Grantaire you up?"

"Uhm. Yes?"

"Actually up?"

Grantaire smiled into the pillow and pulled the quilt over himself again. He heard Enjolras sigh as he entered the room,

"Oi. Sleepy head. Up."

Grantaire felt himself want to laugh and buried his face in the pillow more. Enjolras leant over him and flicked the hair from his eyes,

"Up. Up or no breakfast."

"You're mean in the morning."

"We're going out. Come on."

Grantaire rolled over and looked up at him with a smirk,

"Still want to then?"

"I made plans and everything. Starting with breakfast. With pancakes."

Grantaire smiled broadly,

"You do know how to woo a man."

"Woo?"

Grantaire bit his lip; before he knew what he was doing he had reached up and tucked hair behind Enjolras' ear. He stroked his cheek with his thumb and stared at Enjolras' lips. Enjolras leaned into the touch and smiled softly.

"Come on. Up. I'm making coffee."

Grantaire felt breathless when Enjolras left the room. He rubbed his face and sat up slowly. Looking at the door he shook his head and made his way into the bathroom. Enjolras walked back to the kitchen and leant against the counter.

"Fuck."

 

After breakfast Enjolras bundled Grantaire out the door and they walked to bus stop.

"So...where are you taking me?"

Enjolras checked the bus times and turned back to him,

"Well, I thought he would head into town and go to the gallery- there's a new exhibit I thought you'd like. Then go to that bistro you like. The one with the birds? And I heard about a band that's playing in the park tonight so if you're not too tired then I thought we'd stop by."

Grantaire stared at him for a minute,

"Have I forgotten my birthday or something?"

Enjolras smiled at him,

"I told you. I'm gonna give you the best day ever."

Grantaire looked around and nodded,

"It sounds great. Brilliant actually."

"Good. Now get on the bus."

Grantaire smiled and climbed in beside Enjolras.

 

Enjolras watched Grantaire while they walked through the gallery; he smiled every time the man saw a new painting and started a stream of descriptions and information about the artist. They spent hours in the rooms looking at all the pictures. Grantaire beamed the entire time; he talked constantly; stopping only when he saw Enjolras smirking at him.

"What?"

Enjolras shrugged,

"I've never heard you like that before."

"Like what?"

"So....enthused."

Grantaire blushed and rubbed his nose, it took all of Enjolras' willpower to not grab him and kiss him in the middle of the exhibit, instead they finsihed the exhibit and headed out toward the park.

 

"Why drawing?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why drawing? Why not sculpting? Or...painting?"

"I paint."

"I haven't seen your paintings."

"Maybe you will one day."

Enjolras smiled and looked down,

"I draw because it's limitless. I can draw anything in the world. Any world. Any dream. Any...person. I can draw that."

"You're really good."

"Thank you."

They walked through the park, the setting sun turning the sky into flames. Enjolras slipped his hand into Grantaire’s and squeezed it. Grantaire looked at him and smiled, squeezing his fingers in return as they walked together down the path.

"Did you always want to be a lawyer?"

"I don't even know if I want to now."

"Seriously?"

Enjolras shrugged,

"I don't know. Maybe I'll be something else. Maybe I'll be a...lion tamer or something."

Grantaire laughed,

"Lion tamer?"

Enjolras chuckled,

"I have no idea."

"I'd have you represent me."

Enjolras smiled,

"I wouldn't charge you or anything."

"That's very kind."

They smiled at each other and headed over to a bench. Grantaire looked up at the sky and chewed his lip again,

"Why me?"

"Hmm?"

"Why pick me? You could get anyone. Look at you, you're....gorgeous. And smart. And...Lovely. Then there's me."

"I fell in love with you."

"But why?"

"Why did you fall in love with me?"

Grantaire looked down at their clasped hands.

"Do you believe in soul mates?"

"I believe that people are meant to be together...so yeah I guess I do."

"I think you're my soul mate."

"And that's why you love me?"

Grantaire smiled at him,

"I love you. I don't have a list as to why. I just do."

Enjolras nodded,

"And there you have my answer too."

They sat in silence for a while until Grantaire turned back to him again,

"Thank you for today."

"You're welcome. It's been fun."

"You're so nice to me now."

Enjolras looked at him,

"I'm sorry I wasn't always nice to you."

Grantaire shrugged,

"You never got it."

"Got what?"

"That all I wanted was to be around you. I just...wanted to be near you. I've always loved you. From the minute I saw you. You were my everything. Are my everything."

Enjolras felt his heart flutter at the words,

"I mean, it doesn't matter. I know I'm not fun to be around most of the time and I come with a suitcase of issues but I just always felt so-"

Enjolras turned his head and kissed Grantaire. They broke apart and Grantaire whimpered slightly,

"Calm around you."

Enjolras smiled against his lips and kissed him again. Grantaire slid his hand from Enjolras' and pressed it against his face, holding him in place so he could deepen the kiss. When they broke apart again they were breathing heavily and holding tightly onto each other.

"Enjolras?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you mind if we skip the band and..."

"Go home?"

Grantaire smiled and nodded,

"I'm so glad you said that."

He kissed him again before standing up and holding out his hand. Grantaire took it and they headed back to the bus stop.

 

"You look so beautiful."

Grantaire blushed deeply and looked down,

"Hey."

He tucked a curl behind Grantaire’s ear and leant down to kiss him again.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

Grantaire slid his hand up Enjolras' chest and fingered one of the buttons on his shirt.

"Yeah. Yeah just...."

"We'll go slow. I promise."

His hand trailed up to Enjolras' neck, he dragged his thumb over the skin before leaning up and capturing his lips in a kiss.

"Take me to bed?"

Enjolras nodded and led him into the bedroom. Grantaire sat on the bed and pulled him down to kiss him again. Enjolras trailed kisses across his face and down his throat, pushing Grantaire back until he was lying flat on the blanket. He straddled him and unbuttoned his shirt slowly; every centimetre of skin exposed was quickly met with a kiss. He balled up Grantaire’s shirt and threw it behind him before returning to his work of pressing kisses to his chest.

He scooted down slightly and began kissing Grantaire’s stomach before fumbling to undo his trousers. He pulled them off and threw them to join Grantaire’s shirt. He looked down at Grantaire, now clad only in his boxers and smiled. Leaning down he brushed their lips together before kissing his jaw,

"I miss you."

Enjolras sat up again at the words,

"I'm here."

Grantaire sat himself up and ran a hand through Enjolras' hair before unbuttoning his shirt. When they were both stripped to their underwear Enjolras began kissing him again. Grantaire fell back into the blankets as the man made his way over his entire body, pressing kisses everywhere he could reach. He moved down to his legs and pushed them apart, his lips trailed over the soft skin between Grantaire’s thighs then down to his knees. The man let out a chuckle and Enjolras smiled before moving back up and taking one of Grantaire’s hands in his.

"Do you want me to...?"

"Yeah. Yeah just slow."

Enjolras kissed his hand,

"I'll stop if you want me to okay?"

Grantaire nodded and let out a long breath as Enjolras pulled his underwear down. Enjolras dipped down and kissed his hip, his nose brushed against the patch of wiry hair that led down from his belly button. Grantaire closed his eyes and breathed slowly.

"You okay?"

Grantaire opened his eyes and looked down,

"Why?"

"You're trying to pull my hair out."

Grantaire looked at his hand that was buried in Enjolras' hair,

"Shit. Sorry."

Enjolras smiled at him and crawled back up the bed until they were face to face.

"We don't have to do this."

Grantaire looked at him, he not his lip momentarily before surging forward and kissing Enjolras hard,

"I want you."

"You're sure?"

Grantaire grabbed his hand and wrapped his fingers around his steadily hardening cock,

"Pretty sure."

Enjolras looked down between them,

"Well hello there."

Grantaire laughed and kissed him again, moaning into his mouth as Enjolras began to rub him slowly.

"I love-love you so much."

Enjolras thrust against him, his own hardness soaking a patch through the underwear he was still wearing.

"I love you. I love you."

Grantaire reached between them and stilled his hand,

"Wait. Not like this. I want you...."

Enjolras nodded,

"I got you. I got you."

He kissed his neck and shoulder before reaching over to the nightstand. Grantaire watched him and breathed in deeply.

"Roll over."

He nodded and rolled onto his stomach, Enjolras flipped the lid of the lube off and poured more than he really needed on to his fingers. He looked over and caught Grantaire’s eye. He straddled him again and lent forward to kiss his shoulder,

"You ready?"

Grantaire nodded and pushed his face into the pillow. Enjolras swallowed and grabbed Grantaire’s hips,

"Up."

Grantaire pushed back as Enjolras slowly pushed a finger into him. He gasped and began to pull away slightly,

"It's alright."

Grantaire bit down on the pillow and shut his eyes, Enjolras stilled his finger and stroked Grantaire’s side,

"You want me to stop?"

"No. No keep going."

"Grantaire-"

"Please. Please keep going."

Enjolras pressed a kiss to his back and moved his finger again. He pulled it out and spread more lube before returning with another. Grantaire gasped slightly and gripped the sheet tightly.

"You're okay. It's okay."

Grantaire pushed back on his hand and Enjolras began to move faster. He curled his fingers up trying to find the spot to make Grantaire melt. He knew he had done just that when Grantaire moaned loudly.

"Please. Now. I'm ready. Please."

"Shh patience"

Enjolras pulled his fingers out again and pushed in three instead. When he felt that Grantaire was comfortable enough he pulled them out completely and discarded his underwear. He rolled the condom on and hitched Grantaire’s hips up,

"I'm gonna...are you ready?"

Grantaire looked behind him and nodded,

"Yeah. Slowly. Go slowly."

Enjolras positioned himself and pushed in as slowly as he could. Grantaire cried out and he stopped,

"Fuck. Are you okay?"

Grantaire nodded, gripping the sheets so tightly his fingers turned white. Enjolras pushed in until his hips were flush against Grantaire. He reached forward and covered Grantaire’s hand with his own, their fingers interlocked as he thrust slowly into him.

 

"Hey."

"Mmm hey."

Grantaire stretched his arms up and yawned,

"How long was I out?"

"Couple hours."

"Wow. Did you sleep?"

Enjolras shook his head and brushed the hair from Grantaire’s face before pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose,

"I watched you for a bit."

"Should I be creeped out?"

Enjolras laughed.

"How do you feel?"

Grantaire rolled over and nestled his head against Enjolras' throat.

"Amazing...and yet sore."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I missed it. I missed you- so much."

"You have me now."

Grantaire pressed a kiss to his throat and smiled.

"Hey Grantaire?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you happy? Did I make you happy?"

Grantaire froze then sat up and turned to him,

"What do you mean?"

Enjolras shrugged,

"Did I make you happy?"

"Is that what this was about?"

"I wanted to make you happy."

"So that's all it was?"

Enjolras realised what it sounded like and took Grantaire’s hands in his,

"No no no. I wanted to show you how much I love you. The sex was...unplanned. It was amazing and beautiful and I loved it. I just want to, for the rest of my life...make you happy."

"I am happy."

"Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"You'll always be happy?"

"I can't promise that Enjolras. And you can't promise to always make me happy."

"I can try."

Grantaire smiled and kissed him,

"It's all I can ask for."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

 

Enjolras walked up to the group with the drinks and smiled at them,

“Come and get it guys.”

Grantaire turned and smiled at him, he walked over to him and slipped his arm around him. Enjolras kissed him and picked up his glass,

“Good night so far?”

“Perfect.”

Enjolras smiled and took a sip; he looked over to Marius and raised his glass. Marius returned the gesture with a nod and took a drink himself. Eponine turned to the crowd and raised her glass to make a toast to the happy couple of the night,

“To Enjolras and Grantaire. Happy 3 years- here’s to many more.”

Enjolras smiled broadly and kissed the blushing Grantaire.

“Come on Grantaire you gotta tell us, what makes him so special?”

Grantaire looked at the group then looked at Enjolras,

“What can I tell you guys? He makes me happy.”

Enjolras smiled at him and brushed their noses before whispering he loved him. Grantaire looked over to the group again,

“I’m just so happy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
